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Pyro as Bill said:
Sounds like you bought a Lite instead of the proper Switch. Upgrade and play local multiplayer. You should have bought Mario Kart instead of NSMBUD.

Yeah I did. I wanted the new proper switch with the upgraded battery but there were none left when I got mine back in March, and the prices had been bid up to £400 (they're back to £270 now). (edit: even with the proper one we'd still be stuck bc. we're not in the same location - otherwise you can actually system link the switch lites over LAN or whatever)

We were actually deciding between Mario Kart, Mario Bros U Deluxe or Super Mario Odyssey.