Overview: I’ve been waiting, dreaming about the day I could finish this game and review it. I’ve talked about how excited I was to review this game, talked about how excited I was to finally be done with it, not because it was good, oh no no no (*at this point, I feel so passionately about this game that I can’t help but smile a little, also talking in the voice of James Spader when I say “no no no”), quite the contrary. I have so much to get off my chest about this game. Part of me doesn’t want it to be over, and the other part wants the pain to stop. Let’s begin…
Originality: None. Oh, what’s that? You think hitting the A button 53,742 times in a game is original? HAHAHAHA (literally laughing as I type, I think this game pushed me over the edge…). You think having to perfectly time attacks over a game that took me over 70 hours to beat was enjoyably original? Speaking of 70 hours, let’s talk about that a little bit. It took me 78 hours to beat the game, not including the ONE time I died and had to restart a level (so probably closer to 79 or 80). The first 10 hours of this game were ok (the level design was EXTREMELY generic and boring, and EVERY SINGLE stage in this 41 chapter piece game were just as generic and boring as every other stages. The reason it took me so long to beat it was partly because the game was so repetitive, and the dialogue so UTTERLY POINTLESS, and the story soo NON sensible (until the very end, at which point you feel like every piece of dialogue and “plot development” that happened before that was worthless, and the end plot was terrible as it is) that I couldn’t stare at the screen nonstop. The last 35 hours or so of the game, I literally had to FORCE myself to play the game and the only way I could do it is if it wasn’t everyday and I was either a) talking to my wife about, you know, enjoyable things or B) watch a show like Stargate Sg-1. It’s like they made a combat system and decided, “hey guytzh, why don’t we put 30-45 enemies in each level?” and then someone else said “hey, thath a greaAAT idea man, but leth put 41 levelth into the game!” and then another person said “and leth make the story make so little senth that it would make Dulfite himself wish there wasn’t a story at all!” This was was original in the sense that it is single handhedly the WORST game I have ever had the misfortune of playing or knowing. My brother in law plans to video record me smashing this 3ds game into pieces with a hammer (or something else) because it is THAT bad. It will make you hate video games, at least for a time. I can’t evne look forward to playing Code of Princess, Majoras Mask, or Xenoblade 3d next because this game was so bad.
0/20
Graphics: *Breath* *Breath some more* Ok, on to the next topic, graphics. This game was, in many respects, a TERRIBLE looking version (at least in terms of the overworld and battle sequences) of Fire Emblem. Day 1 of playing this game I thought it looked bad graphically. Still, I suppose it’s better looking than… oh my… I can’t think of an accurate reference… The one GOOD part of the graphics of this game are the special move ones, except for the fake that you see them 173 times in the stupid, repetitive game.
3/10
Art Style: Similar to the graphics, this game’s art style looks like a terrible version of fire emblem. The over world figures look like something you’d see in a SNES era game, and the in sequence fights just are a cluster of colors blending together in combat. It’s so quick you can’t even tell what’s going on, and part of that has to do with this art style. Terrible, terrible!
5/15
Story: Here it is. My foot is going into my mouth. I’ve been on a crusade supporting stories for years now, as many or some of you reading this know. I’m about to eat my words. This is the first, and hopefully the last, time I will ever say the following sentence: I wish this game didn’t have a story rather than the one it had. This story was so confusing, so stupidly complex, filled with random and non character developing dialogue, only to be concluded with one of the dumbest endings ever that I am awarding this game the worst story of any game I’ve ever played. I prefer Mario Kart 8’s story to this. I prefer the story of Desert Bus to this. I prefer thinking about new Stargate movies (that don’t follow the continuity of the shows) over this game’s story. I would eat au graten potatoes more than touch this game again. I feel the rage, people.
0/30
Game Interface: No complaints.
5/5
Controls easy and fluid or difficult and rigid? I mean, how much easier can it be than 97% of the right hand controls simply being the a button being pushed down? Losing a point for not having INTERESTING and challenging controls, though.
5/5
Is it fun? Do I even need to fill this out? If you’ve read this far, you know how fun this game was for me.
0/15
Total Score: 18 / 100
Batman: Arkham City Armored Edition – 100 + 5 = 105
Shovel Knight – 95 + 10 = 105
Shadow of Mordor = 95 + 5 = 100
Zelda Skyward Sword-98
Hyrule Warriors – 93 + 5 = 98
Batman: Arkham Asylum - 93
Zelda Minish Cap – 92
Portal – 87 + 5 = 92
Assassin’s Creed 4 Wii U – 86 +5 = 91
Zelda Windwaker HD – 86 + 5 = 91
Bayonetta 2 = 91 NR
Bayonetta (Wii U) – 91 NR
Zelda Oracle of Ages – 91
Metroid Fusion – 91
Mario and Luigi: Bowsers Inside Story – 86 + 5 = 91
Zelda Twilight Princess – 90
Luigi’s Mansion Dark Moon - 90
Guildwars 2 – 89
Mario and Luigi: Dream Team – 89
Animal Crossing New Leaf – 84 + 5 = 89
Pokemon X – 88
Zelda: A Link to the Past – 78 + 10 = 88
Kid Icarus Uprising – 88
Darksiders 2 - 88
Fire Emblem Awakening – 88
Transformers: Rise of the Dark Spark - 84
Paper Mario Sticker Star – 83
Rome 2: Total War - 83
Zelda: A Link Between Worlds-83
Super Mario 3d land – 72 + 10 = 82
Batman: Arkham Origins - 81
Trine – 80
Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze* - 68 + 10 = 78
Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D – 74
Black Ops 2 - 74
Rome: Total War-74
Paper Monster Uncut (Wii U) - 70
Red Alert 3 - 70
New Super Mario Bros. U - 66
New Super Mario Bros.Wii – 57 *
Assassins Creed 3 – 57 NR
Zelda: Four Swords Anniversary Edition – 53*
Kirby Squeak Squad – 43
Donkey Kong Country Returns 3d – 42
Project X Zone - 18
* Means it was more fun than the score indicates. Scores judge the overall quality of the game (how fun it is only counts for 15% in my reviews)
NR means Not Recommended based on inappropriateness.
^Charm is rewarded to games that have an undefinable quality to them that makes them amazing and have high replayability value.
