Console Wars have changed.
It was a dark night in Boston.
Jack Tretton was riding home in the back seat of his limousine. Forged by Polyphony Digital, it had been a gift for his ascension in November 2006. As he approached his gated manor, he saw the crowds of fans.
“We love you Jack!”
“Long Live Play!”
“BEYOND!”
“We know the PS3 can still outsell the Wii Jack!”
Jack smiled. He could always count on the fans.
Eventually, the crowds parted, and the limo entered the gates of the manor.
Waving and smiling at his legions of fans, the longtime loyalists, the PS4 bandwagon hoppers, and even the rare Vita supporter, Jack walked up his driveway and to his front door. There, he was greeted by a pair of bodyguards. The one on the left was Cole McGrath, savior of Empire City, while the one on the right was Cole McGrath, the fearsome destroyer. After their participation in the Battle Royale of 2012, the two had been assigned to guard Jack’s home from friendly fans and vengeful Xbots alike.
“How were things on the home-front today?” Jack asked.
“Uneventful for the most part,” Cole McGrath replied. “We caught an Xbot piloting a Titan-type mech a few blocks east, but by the time he got nearby, the PC Elite had already intercepted him. Did you know that Titanfall is only 792p?”
Jack laughed. The Xbots had once been a threat, but they had become desperate these past few years. As for Nintendrones... well, they would occasionally come by with their “Pocket Monsters” and raise a fuss, but as it turned out, Electric Superheroes beat Electric Rats in a fight. That last guy hadn’t even bothered EV training.
“Before you turn in though,” Cole McGrath continued, “you did receive an interesting gift. It’s from an anonymous fan, so usually we’d throw it in the incinerator, but...”
Before Jack could reprimand his guard, Cole McGrath picked up a pet carrier that had been next to him, hidden in the bushes, the entire time. Inside was the cutest creature they had ever seen.
Jack Tretton’s heart, long since hardened by the fierce console wars, softened at the sight of this adorable creature. It was almost like Sega’s mascot, except not anthropomorphized into the uncanny valley. It was, in its own way, kind of cute.
“You know what?” Jack said. “I think I’ll hold onto this little guy. I’m going off to Britain in a few days, and he’d make a fine gift to Media Molecule. Did the donor leave any instructions?”
“Just a few,” Cole replied. “It needs a diet of Kingdom Hearts, Metal Gear Solid 3, and Resident Evil 4 on a regular basis. Oh, and a little dish of water so it doesn’t die.”
“A PS2 fan, eh?” Jack laughed. “Alright, I’ll set him up on the second floor, next to the Jak and Daxter Mausoleum. Does it have a name?”
“Yeah, apparently this little guy is called Salnax.”
“Definitely a Kingdom Hearts fan then?”
“It’s a bunch of letters with an X thrown in, so definitely.”
It was now one in the morning. Or three in the afternoon Japanese time. Salnax was in his cage, snoozing in a pile of woodchips next to his water bowl and personal copy of Kingdom Hearts. Suddenly, a figure illuminated in front of him. Salnax groggily opened his eyes, and faced the figure in front of him.
“It is time,” the figure announced, before disappearing in the dark of the night.
Without a word, Salnax leapt into action. Using his pointy quills, he easily picked the lock of his cage. Silently opening it, he ran straight for the stairs. The security cameras and laser tripwires were supposedly impossible to bypass, but after a pacifist MGS3 run, these were simple for the little critter to navigate.
Finally, Salnax was outside of the bedroom of Jack Tretton. He nudged the door open his his adorable hedgehog nose, and snuck in.
Jack lied sleeping in his bed, gently snoring as he hugged his beloved Spyro plushie. Silently laughing at his unaware target, Salnax slowly tiptoed towards the bed, and after a few minutes of trying to leap the necessary two feet, managed to actually get onto the bed.
As he slowly crawled up onto Jack Tretton, Salnax pulled out a mysterious device from his quills. A close inspection would reveal a single button.
Salnax pushed the button.
Before Jack even opened his eyes, he knew something was horribly wrong. His beloved Spyro was not in his arms! In fact, his arms were spread out and shackled down, as were his legs. And now that he was paying attention to his senses, he also felt a cold piece of metal holding down the middle of his body. He was being held down, and there was nothing he could do about it.
Opening his eyes, Jack Tretton saw that he and the metal table he was on were the only things illuminated in an otherwise dark room. In the distance, he could hear water slowly dripping. Apparently, he was in a dark, secluded room in some unknown location, unable to escape.
Jack immediately relaxed.
“Good one Yoshida!” he shouted out. “I should have guessed the hedgehog came from you. But I’m still ahead by three points!”
He was only answered by the water’s continuous dripping.
“Hey, Yoshida?” Jack continued, a bit nervously. “I said you won. Now come out so we can get this party started!”
More silence.
“Yoshida?”
“I’m afraid Yoshida can’t hear you,” a frighteningly familiar voice said.
No, it couldn’t be!
In front of Jack’s table, a tall, dark figure walked into the light. With his impressive body, always ready for action, there was no mistaking who that figure was.
“Welcome to the Dark World,” Reggie said.
“You?” Jack confusedly replied. “But... Both of us work for Japanese companies! What happened to the code of Business Honor?”
“What Iwata doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Reggie cooly replied. “Nintendo fans have been calling for more proactive leadership in the West, and I was happy to respond to fan demands.”
“But why abduct me?” Jack asked. “What does abducting me accomplish?”
Reggie laughed a deep and hearty laugh.
“Oh Jake, my poor lad, are you really so short-sighted? My plan was never to simply kidnap you. In fact, if all goes as planned, nobody will even know that you were ever missing. Including you.”
The sound of electric medical equipment slowly entered the background noise. Jack watched in horror as a hideous mechanical contraption came closer and closer. It was covered in drills, whriling razors, and those nasty metal things that you’d swear were made by the inquisition but in fact have medical uses. Atop the machine was the most terrifying sight of them all.
“Is that...”
“Yes, that is indeed the brain of Gunpei Yokoi. After his failure with the Virtual Boy and treasonous creation of the WonderSwan, he decided that he was most useful to us as a collection of smaller entities. We already dissected his eyes to power the magic behind the 3DS, and transplanted various organs into the producers at EAD. But his brain... Well, let’s just say I have a special plan for it.”
Jack screamed and Reggie laughed as the machine got closer and closer to the table, as the whirling of the blades slowly drowned out both.
“And so, in conclusion,” Jack Tretton told his stunned audience, “Sony Computer Entertainment of America will from now on focus on Vita development. Furthermore, we will be releasing a new entry model of the PlayStation 4 that only costs $200 by reducing the size of the hard drive, only having 1.5 GB of DDR3 RAM, using a dual-core CPU, and any internet capabilities. We feel that this will provide a better deal for customers. Any Questions?”
The press conference erupted with questions. However, due to his short schedule, Jack only had time to answer a few.
“Yes, I do believe that the PlayStation Vita is not a waste of resources. In fact, I think it’s overdue for a new, improved model, with a better battery life.”
“Yes, I believe that sacrificing some third party support is necessary for building a better console. After all, Nintendo made the Famicom a success with just a few key first party games.”
“No, these latest actions have nothing to do with my recent head injury, as made known through the public by these healing scars.”
“No, the reason I’m speaking in Japanese at the moment and have forgotten how to speak fluently in English has nothing to do with my recent head injury either.
Reggie and Salnax watched the press conference from their secret underground base hundreds of miles away.
“Excellent idea, using Yokoi’s brain,” Reggie told Salnax. “I’d have never thought of using it in such a matter.”
“Hey now,” Salnax replied, “you were the one to figure out how to switch Yokoi’s brain with Howard Lincoln’s without anyone noticing.”
“So, what do you think sales numbers for the PS4 will be like now?”
“It’s hard to say. The Xbone should pick up a lot of its slack, and may even get a few exclusives from graphic-obsessed devs. But half of Europe is going to buy the PS4 no matter what we do. Still, between the PS4 being sabotaged, the dwindling number of 7th gen purchases, the general indifference to the Xbox One outside of a few territories, and the many publishers going bankrupt as a result, I think we can outsell either the PS4 or Xbox One by, say, 5 to 10 million units by 2020.”
“In short, an excellent job done by Nintendo of America,” says Reggie.
“Don’t forget the obsessed Nintendrone!” reminded Salnax.
“Don’t worry,” Reggie said, his voice softening as he faced Salnax.
The two locked eyes, staring deep into each others; souls. Reggie was stunned by Salnax’s amazing intelligence and wit, while Salnax reflected on Reggie’s proud nature and never-ending confidence.
“I love you”
“I love you too“”
And then they made sweet love.
THE END
