If you watched the Nintendo Direct video last night you may have spotted a cameo appearance (between 12:40 and 16:40 in the video) of a chap by the name of Non-Specific Action Figure. At first glance it may have seemed that NSAF (as his friends call him) was simply a joke chucked in there by Nintendo, but in reality he’s actually been a key figure in many historic events for over 60 years.
Born in San Marino in 1943 to a melon-farmer father and a bullfighter mother, Alfredo Russo was the youngest of seventeen children (the other sixteen were girls). At the age of eight he packed his bags, told his family he was sick of their shenanigans and emigrated to the United States of America.
The first superhero in space
It was during his early days in America (Wyoming, to be exact) that Alfredo realised he had a purpose in life – to become a small-claims superhero. Dedicated to fighting the good fight against minor muggings, landlord arguments and benefits disputes, Alfredo went by the name of Non-Specific Action Figure – both to conceal his true identity, and because as non-humans, toys aren’t eligible to pay tax on annual earnings.
During a particularly interesting settlement between a customer and a Chinese restaurant manager, Alfredo discovered his true passion in life – rice. After helping the restaurant manager settle the argument in a peaceful manner, Alfredo was rewarded with a plate of special fried rice. Having never seen rice before (his father was very strict and banned all rice from the Russo household), Alfredo was amazed at its stomach-filling capabilities and developed a passion for it.
A young Alfredo at Charles and Di's wedding
As well as continuing his petty-crimefighting, Alfredo decided he had another purpose in life – to collect as many different types of rice as possible. Pilau, Neang Khon, Carnaroli, Koshihikari, Basmati – in all Alfredo collected over 13,000 different types of rice. He also had a brief stint collecting noodles, but realised they didn’t evoke the same passion in his heart so he stopped to concentrate on rice.
On his 26th birthday Alfredo returned home to San Marino to see his family for the first time in eighteen years. His mother was delighted to see him return and was proud of her son’s success in the minor crime resolution industry, but his father was strangely quiet and reserved for the first few days of Alfredo’s visit. This drove Alfredo crazy and so, one foggy evening, he decided to confront his father to ask him why he was being so standoffish.
A witness at Lee Harvey Oswald's murder
“You’ve been collecting rice, haven’t you, Alfredo?” his father asked, with angry tears of betrayal forming in his eyes. “After all I’ve done for you, you’ve thrown it all in my face like a bloody wedding parade.”
Alfredo was stunned. He had never told his father about his love for rice, because even though he never truly understood his father’s hatred of it, he knew the knowledge that his only son had developed a passion for it would break the old man’s fragile heart. And yet here he was, telling Alfredo he knew all about it. Alfredo tried to cover the truth, telling his trembling father that he knew nothing about rice but his father snapped at him: “Don’t lie to me, son. I could smell the Uncle Ben’s on your breath as soon as you arrived. I knew it was you, Alfredo”.
Breaking down the Berlin Wall
Days later, Alfredo’s father died. The initial coroner’s report listed the cause of death as “a broken heart”, but after his family requested a second opinion it was officially changed, instead putting his demise down to the train crash he was in at the time. By the time this verdict had been reached though it was too late: Alfredo had already left the country, tormented by guilt over his father’s passing.
Fillet with regret and despair, Alfredo returned to his home in Wyoming and became a loner. He locked himself in his house for days on end, with only his rice and a battered old television set to keep him company. One day, while watching the Jerry Springer Show, Alfredo spotted a television advert for Nintendo’s Wii console. The families in the advert looked so happy, they were enjoying each other’s company. It was something Alfredo hadn’t experienced for a long time, so he sold his entire rice collection and bought a Wii with the money.
Winning the World Cup in 1966
Years passed and Alfredo and his Wii formed a strong bond. He missed three of his sisters’ weddings due to his attempts to see all the endings in Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, and he rediscovered his love of rice after unlocking the rice seeds in Harvest Moon: Tree Of Tranquility. The Wii had made him a better person.
Late in 2011 Alfredo saw an advert in the local newspaper asking for extras to take part in a promotional video for Nintendo’s latest console, the Wii U. Eager to give something back to the company who taught him the joy of happiness again, Alfredo dug out his dusty old Non-Specific Action Figure costume and travelled to Washington, where he auditioned for the role. There he met Reggie Fils-Aime, who told him: “Kid, you’ve got natural acting ability and a great ass. You’ve got the gig.”
Alfredo’s debut performance as Non-Specific Action Figure for Nintendo took place last night during its Nintendo Direct pre-E3 video. With any hope, this will be a positive change of fortune for a man who has seen his fair share of misery throughout his life. Already his striking looks and happy-go-lucky personality have won him a small following of Nintendo-loving fans overnight, and we hope he’ll go on to bigger and better things. At the very least, we hope he ends up being President Of Earth.
http://www.nintendo-gamer.net/2012/06/04/non-specific-action-figure-a-history/
Face the future.. Gamecenter ID: nikkom_nl (oh no he didn't!!)
