The Onii King has been deposed.
I brought eight hunters and four grunts to aid me in committing regicide. My hunters' aid proved especially invaluable, as by targeting the false sovereign they would intercept and destroy all projectiles that his minions attempted to give him. Secure in the knowledge that there would not be debris raining upon their heads, I sent my four grunts in to destroy the wooden barriers that the coward had created to protect himself. That was my first mistake.
One of the little fiends, observing an opening in my defenses, feigned a toss to the king, but at the last moment he pivoted and launched his boulder upon my unsuspecting grunts. My decision to strenghthen my citizens through a rigorous exercise regimen justified itself then and there, as the three casualties survived the offensive, but all three were disoriented and only just clinging to life. Still, they and their fourth companion had completed their labors; no sooner did the three regain their footing than the fourth triumphantly destroyed the barrier. The route to the tyrant was wide open.
Perhaps enraged by his new weakness, the Onii King began to blaze with fury. I knew something was amiss, so I recalled all my troops and fell back a few meters, all the better to gauge any possible threat. I was not afraid. I was not intimidated.
I was not careful.
With a strength that belied his corpulent mass, the Onii King unleashed a pot at supersonic speed. My quick reflexes saved my life, although I could feel the displaced wind cutting at my cheek as the projectiles passed me faster than the speed of sound. I felt a moment of triumph, even cockiness, as the despot had done his best to kill me and been found wanting. Then I turned around, and saw that the consequences of my arrogance had fallen instead upon others.
Lunasa the hunter was down. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say that she was "gone," as the mess that littered the walls of the canyon could hardly be referred to as Lunasa any longer. I felt ill; hadn't she just recently married, and mothered a child? A promising young life, cut down by some stray chunk of ceramic.
I had never lost a soldier before now, and the sheer horror and guilt of the situation made me sick to my stomach. I turned to my remaining troops, troops who had known and lived with the deceased all their lives, searching for words that would not come. But to my surprise their expressions contained no accusation, no bitterness towards their sovereign. No, their gazes were turned fully upon the foul beast that had robbed them of their comrade. They were right; this was not the time for mourning. The naked anger in their eyes told me that they did not want words of contrition or sorrow from me, they wanted the order to charge Lunasa's murderer.
I gave them what they wanted.
The hunters continued to destroy whatever baubles the Onii tried to turn against us, with any excess shots going to the murderer's mass. With the barriers removed, my grunts were able to join the fray, and they did so with a savagery more suited for frenzied sharks than disciplined soldiers. With a shout they leapt onto that obese body and hacked away with zeal. Their spears cut away at the layers of fat, seeking the vital organs buried deep within. The Onii King had sown hatred amongst the army of Alpoko, and now he would reap it.
I searched the folds of flesh where most beings' eyes are for signs of the tyrant's emotions. Where before there was smugness, now there was only terror. The Onii King was in serious trouble, and he well knew it. With a weak roar he bounced my grunts off of himself, trying desperately to stop the death he knew was coming. But even that slight effort was more than his morbidly obese body was accustomed to, and he stood there stunned and exhausted. My grunts rolled to their feet, more annoyed than injured by this weak assault, and with a wave of my scepter I sent them back onto the corpulent mass that had dared to defy the Army of Alpoko.
The rat was cornered by the fox, but like all trapped rodents the Onii King launched a doomed assault upon his tormentors. Recognizing the pattern, I cooly recalled my troops and withdrew a few meters, awaiting his impotent fury. Again a pot came for my skull, but this time I had no trouble dodging the contemptible "offensive." I took a second to look at the smear that had been Lunasa, and silently swore to her that she would be avenged.
A minute later, she was.
The Onii King had proven to be a paper tiger, and his slight to the national honor of Alpoko had cost him his kingdom. I decided to let him live, as I could think of no punishment worse than having to exist as the Onii King, a deposed and pathetic lord of a forgotten kingdom. As a further sign of my contempt for him, I decided that no Alpokan would settle the lands he had formerly inhabited. Let it go to the dogs; I would plant my flag on its soil as a final insult to its former sovereign, but it was not fit to host any honest Alpokan.
Secure in the knowledge that I had united the whole world, I returned to my newly expanded castle to celebrate my triumph. It was then that I learned that my story had only just begun...
I was feeling a bit bored. If I'm still feeling this way later, I might do something similar for the other two bosses I've beaten recently, but most likely I'll spare y'all.
