What do you do when your baditude-laden lead character's utterly voiceless? Why, you team him up with a little critter who won't shut his adorable little mouth! Part poor man's Nathan Lane, part every terrible '80s stand-up comic ever, Daxter's a testament to the dangers of putting wholly irresponsible designers in charge of creating sass incarnate. If you thought the long-lost Gex games were a hoot, it's quite possible you'll enjoy the high-pitched wisecracks of this pantsless, ferret-y thing. It's also possible that you have a massive head wound. Seek medical attention.

OK, the Earthworm Jim games were pretty cool, outside of their wildly irregular difficulty levels. But the last thing that any game needs -- especially one with such floaty, imprecise controls -- is an escort mission. Assisting Peter Puppy from Point A to Point B requires an almost Zen-like platformer mastery -- and the patience to keep your blood pressure in check when Jim's furry friend goes all Jekyll-and-Hyde on him. It kinda makes you think Jim should seek out less codependent companions -- or at least ones that take better care of their numerous children. Anyone who's played the interminable puppy-bouncing bonus stages of Jim 2 can tell you that Peter's a lousy pal and a deadbeat dad.

The amazing sequel to Super Mario World switched things up by making Yoshi the lead and giving Mario second billing. In fact, Baby Mario's not even much of a character; in a way, he sorta acts like the rings in Sonic the Hedgehog. But the important distinction here is that Sonic's rings don't scream bloody murder when they fly out of wherever the hell he keeps 'em. That's right -- taking a hit in Yoshi's Island means hearing the delightful sounds of a baby screaming its tiny head off until you can once again get him properly saddled on Yoshi. Sure, it's an ingenious little bit of game design, but it's also prevented quite of few of us from even considering procreating.

Each member of the Star Fox team brings their own special quality: Fox is a no-nonsense hero, Falco's a tough-as-nails loner, Peppy's a grizzled veteran, and Krystal's there just in case a few furries still need a reason to be interested in the franchise. But what about Slippy? He's a complete liability. In fact, most of Star Fox 64 boiled down to saving Slippy's behind every time he forgot about his infant-grade piloting skills. And the less said about Slippy's personal life after his N64 outing, the better -- as soon as Star Fox Command made us aware of Slippy's equally hideous girlfriend, it filled our minds with thoughts we'd rather not have. Ever.

The tradition of every new Sonic game is to give him a new, marketable sidekick, even though this trend wore itself thin by the second attempt. "His name is Tails. We call him that because he has two tails. His name is Knuckles. We call him that because he has huge knuckles." The state we've now reached? "Her name is Cream the Rabbit. We call her that because we sold our souls to the devil long ago." The worst part of any Sonic sidekick -- no matter how conceptually weird -- is that they all serve to distance us from the classic, speedy Sonic the Hedgehog gameplay we've been craving since Sonic Team decided to transform their games into multigenre exercises in mediocrity. Mark our words: In the next Sonic game, you'll be playing Picross with a turtle named Spunk.