I'd like to apologize in advance for any typos or unclear analogies. I've been up all night studying maps for my final and I took 30 minutes off to write about what I consider one of gaming's biggest disappointments.

Apparently Square Enix thinks its audience’s brains have shrunken. Somewhere between open world maps and underwater dodge ball Square Enix believed that we players who have followed and loved the series for over a decade were no longer the target of choice.  I don’t know whether that should disappoint me or make me feel better about myself because the way they’ve underestimated the mind of gamers with the release of Final Fantasy XIII is truly insulting. I for one will not stand for it.

We the players are slow –we are simply incapable of controlling more than one character

I love driving my manual car; in fact every car I ever owned was a stick. I feel in control.  Every limb of my body is contributing to the act of my car moving. Because of that I’m more focused, which makes me more alert –more aware of my surroundings.  But hey a cars a car right? As  long as it’s serving its purpose and getting me from and to points A and B why should I care whether the cars basically driving itself.  It’s only natural that the average person prefers convenience over putting the effort into actually doing something. The Automatic car is proof of that.  By now you’re probably thinking to yourself, “What the hell does this have to do with Final Fantasy XIII?” … It has to do with its horrid battle system. A system that makes me feel like I’m riding the latest Benz only a 90 year old woman is driving it while I’m tied up and placed in the trunk. It’s a system that should make any gamer who has any remaining self pride or dignity ashamed of themselves.  I can honestly say that I feel like a less skillful player after experiencing it. To put Final Fantasy XIII’s battle system in a nutshell, you only control one character… ok, Let me stop right there before I have a brain hemorrhage because you don’t even have control over that one character. I refuse to admit that I have any control over battle when the first option from the menu window is actually called “Auto.” And ladies and gentlemen, that’s exactly what it is, an option that makes your character automatically select the attacks he/she wants to do based on what spells and techniques you’ve learned. You don’t need to think. The battles take on a life of their own. “But hey! Some enemies are weaker against certain types of attack and you have the option to manually select your commands hatmoza!” True, but  by the time I’m done selecting my moves my robot comrades have already slain the enemies, and for some miraculous reason your players always use the most effective attacks on every enemy you encounter. Now I’m not saying the battle system was completely dull and tasteless. I did find one exciting moment while fighting the first Fal ‘cie (or whatever the hell those robot Gods are called), which was trying to stay awake while I was rapidly mashing the action button.

We the players are sheep –we simply cannot find the path for ourselves without guidance

Cloud! You did it! You have escaped from Midgar! You’re reward -an open world map with towns, amusement parks, buggies and a flying airship. Explore it oh great adventurer. Squall! You have successfully become a full-fledged Seed operative. You’re reward is also the opportunity to explore the World via trains, jeeps and chocobos. Lightning … follow the yellow brick road you dumb broad. The only forks you’ll ever see are small nubs in your map that will lead to a treasure chest shaped like a soccer ball.  And Lightning! In case a straight line is too complicated for you, we put an arrow pointing to the direction you need to go on your map. Just to be on the safe side and you don’t accidentally backtrack on that linear path… seriously Square Enix? Has your arrogance lead you to believe that we gamers cannot comprehend anymore of your complex terrains?  You know, it wouldn’t have been so insulting if you had thrown in some towns (Final Fantasy X is a perfect example of that), but when you have a game that runs in a straight line for eleven chapters, you are calling me and every other gamer that played through it, a stupid, incapable, tool. “But hatmoza you dim-witted ass, did you see the breath-taking graphics of those terrains?” Yes, I have. However, that doesn’t change the fact that not only was I unable to interact with those environments, but I was also confined to a narrow, linear path throughout the whole game.

We the players are a bunch of lonely, horny perverts -we need a hot underage chick with a tattoo on her ass

Square Enix having sexy females as leading characters is nothing new. The fact that they can go on and on in the game without using the bathroom or shaving their legs while sporting their super miniskirts, has always been a question mark for me. However, this has never been a concern with me … until I met Vanille. Not only do I feel like an unintelligent follower after 11 chapters, but now I’m a pedophile. Square Enix has really outdone themselves with this one. They just keep raising the bar for cuteness. According to my research this chick is somewhere between the age of 14 and 600. She has a tattoo on her right butt cheek, and fights with what appears to be a yoyo-slash-fishing rod. I would have gone on with my business and ignored what was going on inside the heads of these creepy designers , but then I hear Vanille talk. Now I’m no doctor but I seriously believe that Vanille has some kind of cancer eating away at her throat.

Designer 1: How can we make this chick cuter?

Designer 2: hmm, we’ve done everything we can possibly do physically. There’s nothing else we can do!

Designer 1: Well dammit! She’s just going to be another Selphie clone if we don’t think of something else.

Designer 2: Well if we can’t take any more cloth off of her, why don’t we give her a new accent?

Designer 1:  hmm ... go on.

Designer 2:  See we come up with a new accent no one else has heard before! We’ll make it a mixture of an Australian and New York accent! … Oh! And we make her pronounce her ‘O’s with an ‘R’. That will make the teenagers drool.

Designer 1: Brilliant! Let’s go pitch the Idea.

“But hatmoza, she plays a vital role in the game’s story!” What was that exactly? I kinda forgot what that was somewhere between the time Fang said she would tear the sky down to find her and when she did find her and started investigating her ass. I swear, I thought a hot lesbian scene was going to happen every time the two locked eyes.

I wanted to bitch about the Transformer-like summons but I grow tired. The reality and bitter truth is I do not belong to Square’s demographic anymore. A new and young audience has taken over, and Square’s giving them exactly what they can handle.

Goodbye Final Fantasy :’( not even a Final Fantasy VII remake will redeem you this time…

*Hangs himself for paying 65$ and losing the receipt*

Me too! But it never did, and this is why FF13 really fails.

FUCK YOU, SQUARE-ENIX!

so funny, have you got to chapter 11 yet, because it opens up at grand pulse you know and you get to pick your team other than that, i love the battle system, and the graphics and that's where the game ends for me, the story was so average i even liked the WKC story more and that is saying something, have you tried WKC??

Nice rant, now take a deep breath or else you might actually hurt yourself...

I hear you though...

Lightning is looking at them, please let there be a DLC where they have a threesome:(

Did you read his entire post? He mentions that. Graphics doesn't mean anything really. In games like Final Fantasy, Only story-telling and gameplay is what truly matters.

This rant lists many of my reasons why i will probably never play a Final Fantasy or a Square-Enix game ever again.

Did you read FF_Fanatics whole post where he clearly stated "I love the battle system" which is a part of the gameplay not graphics einstein.

I have seen you stealthily negatising FFXIII without even playing it (not that you have a console to play it), you even went as far as to say "The PS3 version will never make it to 4 Million". Your last sentence is incredibly silly.

@OP

This game is one of the best games of all time.

The battle system & story being its greatest merit. The linearity gave me the feeling ofbeing trapped that the characters feel, the fact that they need to run away. The story was extremely intricately crafted. Yes you can only control one character, yet that was the best part of the battle system, managing what the other team mates did & co-ordinating attacks, startegising, I loved it.

If you dislike auto battle, simply change it, there is an option to take off auto battle, use the option and stop complaining, if there wasn't na option you are at full liberty to complain.

The narrow linear path was very well done, to me it didn't seem that narrow actually, in most levels it was pretty wide (apart from chapter 1, 10 and parts in others). The linearity helped me feel how trapped the characters must feel to be cursed and to flee, the story & character development during the linear levels is some of the best I have personally seen. The genius to couple Sazh & Vanille two different personalities & see their interactions & emotions clashing was a treat.

If they have insulted the minds of gamers why is the game pretty difficult towards the end? Just because you control one character & have limited scope for micromanagement means they have insulted the minds of gamers? ridiculous.

Next your complaints about the story are downright silly. If you use sarcastic humor in that way any games story, even Planetscape Torment's (Peak of storytelling) story can be made to sound like a joke. And no Fang & Vanille are like sister's, again you lost a chink of your credibility with that childish paragraph.

You disliked the game, fine I can accept your opinion, but don't come in here saying the game is made for retards.

This is the first Final Fantasy I have played and it ranks among my best games of all time, thanks to this game the franchise has a new fan.

Well, I understand where you're coming from. I enjoyed parts of the game, but all your criticisms are true (and somewhat funny). I didn't think the battle system was that bad, the strategy was simply switched to organising paradigms and knowing when to switch rather than actual control of the characters. Meant it felt a bit simple and cheap though. And yeah, too linear and lack of towns was frustrating. And yes, the game seems to think it's OK to be a pedo. Just look at Snow.

lol i think you did not read my post correctly, and if you know about WKC that was not graphically impressive (for a PS3 game), yet I loved it more than FF XIII, because the story (even though it was cliched) was better and the locations had true fantasy stuff in it I mean how much more awesome can you get than a town on the back of a turtle like creature lol, graphics are never everything, and one thing is for sure I will be keeping my eye on the Last Story.

Wow, some people get WAAAAAAAAAAAY too emotional about things. Seriously, next thing you know, you'll be listening to Good Charlotte, Linkin Park and cutting yourself before catching the latest run of Family Guy.