I think we should start our own thread for the battle this is going to turn into.  So I'm gonna do that.

::creates new thread with response::

LINK

if that's the case, it should be at the end, after all the big contributing factors.

and dont be so "he said this and then this other guy said this". thats not showing any thought process from you at all. its YOUR opinion she wants to hear, she doesnt give a rats ass about their opinion EXCEPT in the context of whether or not it supports your own opinion.

remember that throughout the whole essay.

violence in youth is on the rise - quote statistics, but keep it brief- and there are concerns blah blah. there are many factors being blamed for this, ranging from everything from family circumstances to media.

start with factor 1. your paragraph will look like this -

1. this is this.
2. this quote (keep it short and snappy, you dont want a great big wall of paraphrased text) supports this
3. this other quote disagrees, but i don't see it as persuasive enough evidence because -blah-.

rinse and repeat for all factors.

dont forget linking sentences between paragraphs. "if it can be assumed that violence in youth can be attributed to -FACTOR 1-, then we must also look at -FACTOR 2-, for it too has come under scrutiny..

then when you get to the end say "this is what causes violence, -FACTOR- is the biggest but not the only blah blah blah.

Thank you! =]

I wrote this paragraph the way I did because it is supposed to be a descriptive essay, and she told us specifically not to include our opinion. This is something that I am having a problem with.

Im not horribly great with essays (putting my ideas on the paper and organization), so thank you for your help.

oh ok in that case, may i give you a little more advice?

type a plan. basically, what you want to write about. and no matter what happens, stick to the plan. unless you have an amazing revelation or something.

i know it can be hard to keep your opinion out of it. but the paragraph you have, you've managed it well ^_^

what i would suggest, from reading that paragraph, would be to declutter it a bit. i know you need to cite references and stuff, and this is where organisation and planning comes in. a good essay depends on - good planning, good writing and knowing what you're trying to say. read your sources and make notes BEFORE you even think about writing that essay, or its gonna be one hell of a mess.

also, if you know how your planning/writing works best go with that. for instance, a couple of years ago i had to write a history essay. when i used a pen on paper, it was going nowhere. but the second i opened MSWord and started typing, i knew it was gonna be really really good. i wrote my first 5 pages and my teacher thought i'd plagiarised, because my style was so impressive.

but then my idiot brother smashed up my laptop and i had to handwrite the rest. needless to say, it went downhill from there. i went from a strong A to a B.

basically, get the organisation sorted first. declutter your desk, declutter your essay, declutter your mind. then write down in as few words as possible what you're trying to acheive. go, and may the force be with you.

id be so pissed if i had an A paper that went down to a B because of that.

i did rewrite it a bit, i took out the second quote and just wrote it in my own words because i realized that half of it were quotes.

@bolded. thats some good advice. i need to make sure i remember that.

^its ok to quote, and since its a descriptive essay its ok to cite other people's opinions but only if you credit them. and pick out quotes that are comparable.

source A says that "chocolate is tasty."
source B says that "chocolate comes in different colours"

these quotes are both about chocolate, but they have nothing to do with each other. look for a quote from source B that either supports or argues that chocolate is tasty, or for a quote from source A that gives the author's beliefs on chocolate colours.

sorry if thats a bad example. but its the simplest i could make it.

i hope i've helped, and im sorry if this seems preachy-preachy-la-di-da.