Jack Thompson: Bold Savior of America's Youth
Recently, a lot of my fellow gamers seemed to have developed an intense dislike to and admittedly polarizing political figure. A lone warrior on the battlefield of morality, standing against the evil threatening to turn America's youth into mindless, shooting, speeding demons. This noble man, of course: the Honorable Jack Thompson.
He's been getting a lot of beef for trying to ban many horrible games, and to try and stop the heresy of selling games to underage gamers, even going so far as to make the personal sacrifice of involving his son. (That's what this world has come to.) But do I condemn him? Despise him as a bitter, bored old man who has nothing better to do than stand around with his fist up his own ass, but, that growing boring, resort to banning violent media? Hell no. He is hero.
But.
He has not gone far enough.
To truly get rid of violence, he needs to do an all-encompassing censorship. Not just Halo. Not just Manhunt. Here, I've compile a list of several games that MUST be banned-even it must be retroactively--before it's too late for the rest of our youth.
5 Games That MUST Be Banned
5)
ALIEN INVADERS:
This game stands alone as perhaps the greatest example of wanton violence available today. Grand Theft Auto, Halo, etc, all integrate other elements that are arguably less corrupting---i.e. collecting clams or "teabagging" dead opponents. While these are in poor taste themselves, at least they are not violent. A short description of Alien Invaders, however, could read like this:
KILL.
And that would be all. Why? Because...THAT'S ALL YOU DO. Want an extra life? Kill. Bonus points? Kill. More things to kill? Kill. Survive? Kill. What does this game teach our children? It is nothing but one endlessy gory bloodbath from start to finish. Oh. Did I mention? THERE IS NO FINISH. You kill until you die. And then? Respawn, and kill more. All mindless. Imagine a world of children raised with that kind of Morality.
4)
DRAGON WARRIOR MONSTERS:
If there's one thing besides violence that's ruining our kids: Sex. Sex, sex, sex. That's all the media is. 9 year olds are dressing like pimps, and calling girls their ''ho's''. What has inspired this? A good question. Fortunately, I have a good answer.
Dragon Warrior Monsters. It's corrupting filth has since spread to other, better selling franchises (such as Pokemon, a game which in itself should be banned for promoting Animal cruelty.) but it originated in "DWM" as its "fans" like to refer to it.
It seems only marginally detestable at first. Use monsters to kill monsters. (Again, violence, but honestly, this is no Alien Invaders.). Then you get to a point in the game where your shit starts to get ruined by other "trainers." The solution? Is it work hard? Get a job? Be determined and industrious? Believe in yourself.
Hell no.
Enix had other lessons to teach the world's youth.
Breed.
Yes, you read that right. Breed. To be a competent player of DWM, you must literally *force* your monsters (some of which are humanoid) to go a pair of over-drunk college kids. IS THIS EVEN CLOSE TO APPROPRIATE? Forced breeding to achieve the end of having better fighting beasts? Hmmmm. Does the name "Michael Vick" ring a bell? Perhaps HE played DWM as a child....seems likely to me. Ban this damn game.
3)
F-ZERO
You think other racing games are a bad influence? Sure, they make kids want to drive “fast”….but do they make kids want to subvert the laws of physics? What other game will drive the young towards attempting breaking the 3000 km/h barrier in a race with a few buddies? Not violent? How about that vicious “spin attack”? When we have kids driving a post-sound barrier speeds, spinning to attack their friends, and they go to court and blame it on F-Zero, should we just sit back and laugh? HELL NO. Don’t just ban this game. Don’t just ban this series. Find every single copy ever printed of any “F-Zero” associated game, and DESTROY them. F-Zero? F-Zero Zero Tolerance.
2)
KIRBY SERIES
The horrible, twisted, viscious action that these games are imprinting on our children can be summed up in one word.
Cannabalism.
Not content to simply turn our children into ruthless killers by giving Kirby “normal” weapons such as Uzi’s and shotguns, the dark, corrupted minds at Hal Laboratories came up with something far worse. Eat your enemies. That’s right. Lull them in with your seemingly innocuos pink roundness…then..BAM. You suck them INSIDE OF YOU AND EAT THEM. That’s right. Just like that. Devoured. Not only that, but it even attempts to give the impression that you can obtain “powers” from eating enemies with corresponding strengths. I’m sure we can all see where this is leading our children. Want to be a comedian? Time for some Adam Sandler pie. Or what if you’re one of those kids who wants to be “just like” your friend, or parents? Friend/Family Spaghetti. The only admittedly potential redeeming quality of this videogame induced evil is, perhaps some musically untalented young boys might experiment with “Justin Timberlake Soup.”. Either way, these games need to dissappear.
1)
SIM CITY 2000
Sim City? Try Sim Dictator. Or maybe Sim God. Because, that’s pretty much what this game is. Build a town. Make it marginally succesful. Ignore the dense financial reports, because, let’s be honest, this is a game, nobody cares. And then? Call down EVERY POSSIBLE natural disastor and watch your city get abolished. Now stop and consider. Children are learning that the flippant destruction of a carefully crafted society is nothing more than good fun. Because, after, you’re in charge. And you can always start a new city. And destroy it. And start again. 73 residents killed? Just a number, you didn’t know them.
The children playing this game are, one day, going to be the adults running our country when good men like Jack Thompson have passed on. For Christ’s sake, for all we know, the future president of the United States of America could be racking up his thousandt hour of Sim City as I type, cackling with glee as he puts his dorito encrusted fingers onto the mouse and clicks on natural disaster after natural disaster. Total control. Total power. Zero responsibility.
This concludes my (initial) list of 5 games that should be immediately retroactively banned. Are these the only 5 games? Obviously not. All videogames, ideally, would be banned. But these games stand out like really, really poisonous flower in a field of only marginally poisonous flowers. Horrible metaphor aside, it is time to take action---to go where even Mr. Thomson has not dared. Call your senator today; get these games banned.
Crusty VGchartz old timer who sporadically returns & posts. Let's debate nebulous shit and expand our perpectives. Or whatever.
