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Dating Question: Can a Guy Be Too Nice?

Four ways that single men blow their chances with women and become friend material instead

By dating blogger Rich Santos for Marie Claire

Updated: Apr 16, 2009


Single women say they want the nice guy. But I'm not so sure. I recently had the following IM conversation with my friend Jill:
RICH (11:09:02 AM): punks, and rock stars
JILL (11:09:12 AM): pretty much
RICH (11:09:21 AM): hence Dave and you will never be together
JILL (11:09:27 AM): he's a good guy
RICH (11:09:30 AM): haha too clean cut and nice
JILL (11:09:35 AM): pretty much
Poor Dave! He's losing out to punks, bartenders, and rock stars! Nothing against these occupations (not that being a punk is an occupation), but the more important part of this conversation is that Jill stated that Dave (who adores her) is too nice.
A little more about Dave: He is well-off, takes care of Jill as a friend, and asks her to do fun things all the time... you know... dates? Imagine!
I had a friend who is now married who suffered from the "nice guy syndrome." On one occasion, we were standing in a bar and he announced that he had to walk five blocks to the subway station to pick up his date and walk her to the bar. We were none too pleased with this: Maybe we are not old-fashioned enough, but we figured if a girl makes it out of the New York subway, she should be capable (and independent) enough to walk five blocks to a bar.
His worst showing of being too nice was when he was on a first date with a girl and he walked her into the subway station (behind the turnstile -- he paid even though he wasn't riding the train) and waited with her for the train to come. When she stepped onto the train, he then ran along as the train was leaving, waving through the window at her until he couldn't keep up.
His gentlemanly strategy did not pay off. A few weeks later, I ran into her and they were no longer seeing one another. She joked about the train run-along and proceeded to hit on me. Was he too nice, or was she just a bad seed? Maybe a little bit of both.
Is it possible for a guy to be too nice? Here are some ways that this could ring true:

#1: He's So Nice, He Can Only Be a Friend

Hey, a good friend is hard to find. What sometimes happens when we get into a relationship? It eventually runs its course and ends, which means awkwardness and/or change in both of you, since you started off as friends. Maybe you can recover and remain buddies, but is it worth the risk if you find that you're really good friends with a nice guy? Also, sometimes the nice guy just has no edge, so he's destined to be just a friend.

#2: He's So Nice, He's Not Challenging Enough

I've recently learned from your comments: Women enjoy the thrill of the chase a bit too much. People like to wonder what's going to happen, that nerve-racking first few months when the "training wheels" are still on the relationship. And, no matter how much we try to deny it, we do like that we've won someone over instead of just having them give themselves up to us. If a guy is too easy, he may be ruining his chances.

#3: He's So Nice, He'll Always Be There

I've seen some friends take their time with a nice guy. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe a woman wants to meet some new guys and "sow her wild oats" while the nice guy fawns over her. She enjoys keeping him in her life as a friend, but somewhere in the back of her mind she knows that she can probably return to him later. Again, it's all about risk management: If you want to take the risk of him meeting someone else, then go for it.

#4: He's TOO Nice, You Can't Trust Him

Sometimes people are so nice that it seems like they might have sinister overtones. I always see it on Lifetime movies: The guy comes into the woman's life and he is just perfect. Then he slowly disintegrates into a psycho freak. Perhaps a guy can come off as so nice in the beginning that he appears to be covering up for something bad. A woman might avoid a relationship with him if something just doesn't feel right. What makes a guy too nice or "friend" material instead of dating material? Do you avoid getting into relationships with a guy who's too nice, or is he destined to be a "friend"?

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.

This blogger cat is clueless. I am a nice guy and can tell you - it's all about the big payoff. You can have any person you want - just go old skool with it. And as a nice guy, I definitely didn't finish last - and wouldn't be last ever again if I was back in the game.

Discuss ...



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A lot of girls like to be treated badly, so yes, you can be too nice.



We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers…Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.  The only thing that really worried me was the ether.  There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. –Raoul Duke

It is hard to shed anything but crocodile tears over White House speechwriter Patrick Buchanan's tragic analysis of the Nixon debacle. "It's like Sisyphus," he said. "We rolled the rock all the way up the mountain...and it rolled right back down on us...."  Neither Sisyphus nor the commander of the Light Brigade nor Pat Buchanan had the time or any real inclination to question what they were doing...a martyr, to the bitter end, to a "flawed" cause and a narrow, atavistic concept of conservative politics that has done more damage to itself and the country in less than six years than its liberal enemies could have done in two or three decades. -Hunter S. Thompson

akuma587 said:
A lot of girls like to be treated badly, so yes, you can be too nice.

What up, Akuma? I think this guy is missing it, though. Yeah, I have been rejected a grip of times - and now know my limitations. Some women will never, ever want to be with you. That's cool - but even them - if they are your friends, can fall HARD for you. Trust me - I am living proof of being with a woman who didn't want to have anything to do with me - and we are celebrating 7 years in May.

Oh yeah - if you look close at the hurt girls, you'll see a lot of negatives in them usually. You have to ask yourself how much work are you willing to put into a potential relationship.



Not much. I actually didn't recognize you because you changed your avatar!

I'm not saying that those girls aren't completely screwed up, but everyone wants something different. And most people don't even know what they want.

Its just human nature. We are pretty fickle to begin with.



We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers…Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.  The only thing that really worried me was the ether.  There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. –Raoul Duke

It is hard to shed anything but crocodile tears over White House speechwriter Patrick Buchanan's tragic analysis of the Nixon debacle. "It's like Sisyphus," he said. "We rolled the rock all the way up the mountain...and it rolled right back down on us...."  Neither Sisyphus nor the commander of the Light Brigade nor Pat Buchanan had the time or any real inclination to question what they were doing...a martyr, to the bitter end, to a "flawed" cause and a narrow, atavistic concept of conservative politics that has done more damage to itself and the country in less than six years than its liberal enemies could have done in two or three decades. -Hunter S. Thompson

These topics are no fun until the woman start to show up.



Yet, today, America's leaders are reenacting every folly that brought these great powers [Russia, Germany, and Japan] to ruin -- from arrogance and hubris, to assertions of global hegemony, to imperial overstretch, to trumpeting new 'crusades,' to handing out war guarantees to regions and countries where Americans have never fought before. We are piling up the kind of commitments that produced the greatest disasters of the twentieth century.
 — Pat Buchanan – A Republic, Not an Empire

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Tyrannical said:
These topics are no fun until the woman start to show up.

Haha. Or get D21Lewis in here - he's fun. Or AoA talking about getting a BJ while playing a video game.

Actually, even with women showing up, they aren't going to reveal secrets. You have to be one on one, offline to get their real viewpoint.

@ Akuma - the feelings are mutual. Lennon rocks.

 



I am a nice guy, and never had a problem.

Some people mistake weak for nice though. Never be weak, women hate that. But they all love nice.



oh, yes you can be too nice, it is ok to show some interest or else she might get confused, but being nice does not tell the girl you are interested, some girls actually think guys that do too many things for them are desperate, and once they find out you are desperate then they will use you, still i don't think you should act like an complete asshole to get a girl, you need the right balance of an asshole and nice guy.



Wii/Mario Kart Wii Code:2793-0686-5434

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Tag(thx fkusumot) - "Yet again I completely fail to see your point..."

HD vs Wii, PC vs HD: http://www.vgchartz.com/forum/thread.php?id=93374

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Cougarman said:

oh, yes you can be too nice, it is ok to show some interest or else she might get confused, but being nice does not tell the girl you are interested, some girls actually think guys that do too many things for them are desperate, and once they find out you are desperate then they will use you, still i don't think you should act like an complete asshole to get a girl, you need the right balance of an asshole and nice guy.

 

Animals can smell fear, woman can smell desperation.



Yet, today, America's leaders are reenacting every folly that brought these great powers [Russia, Germany, and Japan] to ruin -- from arrogance and hubris, to assertions of global hegemony, to imperial overstretch, to trumpeting new 'crusades,' to handing out war guarantees to regions and countries where Americans have never fought before. We are piling up the kind of commitments that produced the greatest disasters of the twentieth century.
 — Pat Buchanan – A Republic, Not an Empire