Judge A Game By Its Cover: Wii Shovelware Edition

Before a new game hits the racks, it’s usually recommended that a consumer does some research before simply ripping it off the shelf, throwing their wallet into the air and running full speed out of the store. Video games are an increasingly expensive hobby and reading a few previews here and there can help save you from saving a chunk of cash and even more potential regret. All bets are off when it comes to shovelware, though. Misinformed mothers don’t even bother reading the back of the box, so why should we? Here are seven games we’ll never play but totally have no problem making fun of simply based on their ugly outer appearances. We doubt their personalities make up for it.

Mario & Sonic at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics

Finally! Nintendo and Sega just jogged through the toxins of stark overpopulated protest to bring us the most deadly-to-inhale video game of our barely breathable summer. Depicting a much more accurate Beijing festival of treacherous athleticism, Mario & Sonic team up to most likely die in unison. Who will win first!?

So pump your fists and cheer for our species before we’re eradicated by smog and acid rain . Go Olympics!

Instant 1M sellers, especially those two Ubizoft games. Mmmmm.

Judge A Game By Its Cover: NES Edition

Today we’ll be rolling out a new quasi-regular feature, Judge A Game By Its Cover, where games get the yelling and whistling construction worker on his lunch break treatment solely based on their appearances. So read on and find out why being judgmental and reactionary can be a good thing.

Haha... I love "Amputee Murderer" and "Burt Reynolds?"

Where Did All Those Hunted Ducks Go?

It seems the dog of Duck Hunt fame has quite the lucrative side business going for himself. Apparently he’s living lavishly in Chinatown selling our kills back to us at a pretty penny, laughing in our faces from behind his glorified prairie scene of a Chinese Food Restaurant. Hope you like the crunch of pixels in your hoisin sauce!

Color Blind Man Can’t Figure Out Why His 360 Won’t Start

The notorious Red Ring Of Death has baffled unknowing Protanopia sufferer Alvred Barclay, keeping him from enjoying the 360’s healthy library of generic FPS games and frequent XBL problems like the rest of us. “I’m so angry I want to smash my red (editor’s note: it’s actually green) guitar on something!” gasped Barclay as he mistakenly expected a green shell to home in on his opponent in Mario Kart. “I tried to buy Valve’s new Half Life collection ‘The Orange Box’ but I couldn’t find it anywhere.” Alvred stood confused and hopeless as he stared up at his Italian flag (editor’s note: it’s actually Irish) for help and guidance. Our news team decided against informing him about his disability and getting his broken 360 some help and instead opted to run to the internet and publicly make fun of him.

Warning: Cigarettes And Video Games Kill Kids

Confused and misguided political figures around the world are up to their usual bag of anti-gaming bullshit, threatening everyone from developers to awkward retail clerks over potentially violent video games. Not content that mature games are blatantly labeled “Mature” with a giant M on the box and the word “Mature” written underneath in bold text, the Prime Minister has proposed that video games get cigarette-style health warning stickers, too. Yeah, like I needed any more ugly, sticky shit to peel off my games when my cheap-ass buys them used.

I’m all for the warning labels, though, they won’t affect my buying habits. I look old enough to rarely get carded for liquor, let alone mature video games. Most cashiers just assume I rolled directly out of a cardboard box and into their store after trading my ID for a magical peyote adventure under a bridge. I should probably shave. But why limit the warning labels to just violent games? I’ve been buying games since the mid eighties and a lot of these things could’ve used a cautionary explanation on the box, regardless of their ratings.

And because i’m nice, here’s a few to get them started:

Smiles “The Game Testin’ Chimp” Dies of Depression

Puppin’ Pickles, Pennsylvania - Today, a community mourns a fallen friend. Last night at 3AM, tragically, Smiles the Chimp took his own chimp life. Born to mother Chuckles, the Fun Blast Off Chimp, Smiles started his fruitful career at the tender age of 3, spinning bingo ball cages and clapping for old folks. “He really stole the show,” pronounced Ole Timothy Jerkins. “He also stole a medical cart of Amoxicillin. You try to accuse a smile like that. You just don’t have it in ya, sonny boy.” At age 4, Smiles was enlisted by traveling folk to perform at Jamborees. Smiles was on top of the known world, causing quite a fantastic commotion. But when you rattle enough bee hives, sometimes you’re gonna get stung. And Smiles was allergic to bees. The inevitable faithless day arrived. A top man at Sony order his secretary to get out off his bed and get hold of Smiles. “This Chimp brought his A game. If the chimp don’t like it, the kids don’t like it. This ain’t rocket science, bucko.” said Top Man at Sony. The downward spiral had begun.

Playing the same shitty third-party games for 800 straight hours, Smiles became furiously depressed. A couple of glasses of wine after dinner rapidly evolved into acid dipped headbands and 4 story tall beer funnel competitions on MTV 2. The chain smoking quickly ruined his potential radio career. A hospital worker chimed in, “Yup, I is the one that treated that monster. Had to treat ‘em for the frost bite and pneumonia. Found him sleepin’ in the Coors Light brewery. Still huggin’ the keg when theys brought ‘em in!” Last night, Smiles was found face down in the wishing well at The Big City mall. An autopsy revealed he had ingested 27 Memory Stick PRO DUOs. Now we finally know what those are for.

Rest in peace Smiles. You will be missed… forever.

wow, is that the new MySims cover??? i love it!!

how can you call it festival, MySims is a great game and has nothing to do with festivals and minigames....