I only got a few paragraphs in but you have one huge problem. You're being nowhere near objective enough.

You swear to much and sound far too passionate, even just in the writing. To make a trustworthy sounding review it needs to sound like you aren't ripping on the game but rather that you are critiquing its flaws and positives.

Unless you want to be Yahtzee. In which case talk really fast and add more jokes.

Thanks for the advice. I don't want to be a Yahtzee. I want to be like, the AVGN for the games of today.

Oooh, angry video game nerd.

Well yeah, you're pretty angry in that so I guess you got it right. Sorry I didn't know what AVGN stood for.

Ignore my advice then.

It's definitely unfinished, and probably too long. I know there is something wrong with it. I just don't know what, exactly. Most of the insults are at the beginning, and at the end. Anyways, I have a lot of information that I want to put on Youtube, but doing it professionally is really harder than it looks. Now, what exactly is too passionate, so that I may change it, and where are there too many swear words? Where should the swear words be? Is there a general construction that should be followed, on how I should put everything together? And when should I talk about the characters? Everything else is a piece of cake. The only problem, is a script. I can add all those special effects, and stuff, but if the script sucks, the whole thing sucks.

That's fine, if you now like it. I don't like it. Now, what other advice do you have? If I didn't want advice, I wouldn't have posted the script here. I've been working on this project for far too long, so I really want to get this done, but without rushing it, of course.