a game controller that squirts you with water every time you die. the controller is also waterproof)

I heard that in the 80s Nintendo discovered that people were putting food and drinks on top of the NES due to it's large flat top, they then made the SNES uneven on top to help cut down on damage to the console. Instead of fighting it I'd give the people what they want and suggest a big plate and cup holder mounted onto a new console since we can probably waterproof them now.

Or a wind up handheld so you'd never run out of power, come on Nintendo!

a controller with a fleshlight port in the middle so that you can experience cinematic relationships as if you were really there.
(this is packaged in with Cyberpunk 2077 btw)

See, that can't really be a fleshlight though ... because it's ... well ... Ellie. 

A wind-up handheld, like those wind-up radios you can buy for camping or just because you hate or have no access to batteries or power outlets. If you've never heard of them you basically just turn a crank and generate electricity to charge it up. You can even charge one up then use it to charge your phone. I'm sure there are all sorts of impracticalities with running even a modest handheld console like this though.