Videogames, despite the insistence of a few vocal tools, exist for more than the simple gratification of violent and criminal desire. But let's pretend they don't for a second. While an awful lot of felonies have been explored in the gaming space -- and a few even have games named after them (Grand Theft Auto, Murder Death Kill) -- it might come as a pleasant revelation that we haven't yet gotten around to delving into every single nook and cranny of human depravity. Sure, we've got games dedicated to murder, arson, rape, racketeering, and even war crimes, but there are still a few devious stones left unturned.... 5. Tax Evasion
"All right, so it's kind of hard to imagine how this one could be much fun, but it's even harder not to mention it around this time of year when the temptation weighs so heavily on us all. Press the X button to take unauthorized deductions for personal expenses on a business tax return! Swing the Wii Remote to overestimate the value of property donated to charity! Quarter-circle-forward+low punch to set up an offshore residence! Yeah, it comes off as somewhat less than thrilling. 4. Embezzlement
Now we're getting somewhere. Well, OK, it'd still amount to mucking around on an Excel spreadsheet. Except...well, MS Excel is apparently a "revolutionary game engine." No, really. Granted, making a videogame inside the thing is a little like jerking off with chopsticks (i.e., it's really hard and maybe embarrassing to brag about, even if you can somehow do it). But check out DEV-EX. It's hard not to be impressed. 3. Possession of a Controlled Substance With Intent to Sell
This has actually been touched on a little bit in videogames, but we're still waiting for someone to really get it right. Sure, you spent a huge amount of time running drugs in Scarface: The World Is Yours, but it still felt more like you were just playing Paperboy with blow. Beyond the simple economics of the job, they'd need to add a few NPCs we could slowly transform from active, healthy human beings to scabrous, emaciated wretches that shuffle and scratch at themselves while pleading for a fix. Goddamn the pusher man. 2. Treason
Now this is one with a whole range of possibilities depending on the nation and era. Probably the most interesting angle would be that of a wartime propaganda broadcaster. Like Tokyo Rose or Lord Haw-Haw, the game would require you to utter subversive diatribes into a microphone to sap the morale of your enemies, until you're eventually caught and executed. This would, however, be pretty much indistinguishable from any game played on Xbox Live. 1. Medical Malpractice
Short of just playing Trauma Center really poorly, or maybe freeware Civil War battlefield surgery sim Dark Cut 2, we've never gotten a real "bad doctor" simulator. But let's ineptly cut on people and see some reward for it. We could accidentally amputate the wrong limbs, unnecessarily remove organs and sell them, or just sew random wacky items inside someone's abdominal cavity. It'd be like Burnout with scalpels.

 

I'm going to need a shower after writing that.