I make a practice of keeping things away from my bum. As well as sharp objects away from the family jewels. Though I did try and shave my sack with some clippers once, very carefully. Turned out pretty good. Recommend.

The '8' sneaked in there before the closing parenthisis did.   Bastard was just lying in wait for it.

Must've been pretty big to cause a tear. You should start small and work you way up.

You're the smallest guy I know, I should start with you.

Ok, I'll be right over. Prepare your ass in the meantime, we don't want another tear.

Scoped.  All the way up through the transverse colon (the part of the colon that goes across the abdomen). 

tagging! for... whatever.

A hemorrhoid doesn't need anything of any size for a tear.

Sitting in an office chair, 9 AM in the morning, and having the most ungodly pain in your arse-end because of hemorrhoid is not the way to start your work day.

Half a metre, my own head.