The solution: snap your girfriend in half and have sex with your phone.

Don't get me wrong.  She has a lot of great qualities.  She's pretty, she maintains the house to an insane degree (a mouse would starve to death looking for a crumb to eat), she carries herself like a lady, and she's a great mother to our daughter.  She just doesn't trust me at ALL!  I can't even turn on the messages on my PS3/360 because I'm afraid of what she thinks--and because some people (tooshort & Pbroy, I'm looking at you!) have hot female avatars even though they're dudes.

I think the worst was when I recieved a lot of calls on my birthday.  I was trying to sleep because I had to work night shift so, when my phone rang, I didn't answer it but I did look at who called.  When I grabbed a shower, she went into my voicemail, listened to and DELETED all of my happy birthday wishes (including a song that one of my sisters made up on the spot and couldn't remember the lyrics to when I asked her about it) to hide the evidence.  She later confessed when I confronted her.

Another time was when my other sister called.  I put her on speaker phone so that my fiance could hear the conversation.  I kept trying to get my sis to say her name without tipping her off that my fiance was a psycho and that she was sitting right there.  "Who is this?" I asked repeatedly.  "You mean to tell me that you don't know who this is?, my sister responded.  You don't recognize my voice?"  My girl grabbed the phone and said "Do you recognize MY VOICE?  I'm his girlfriend, BITCH!!"