So I'm playing Mass Effect 2. Yes, I'm late to the party, I know.
Great game! Great game. Lot better than its predecessor in a lot of ways. Not what I'm here to talk about, though. Now, I know what you're asking:
"Mass Effect 2 part of the sinister homosexual agenda? That doesn't make any sense! I don't think there even is a sinister homosexual agenda!"
I didn't either until I played this game. But let me tell you: BioWare, through Mass Effect 2, is attempting to turn a nation's worth of upstanding young pedants into philandering siss-ninnies.
"Khuutra this doesn't make sense, the only gay relationships in this game are all lesbian!"
That is not what I am talking about, and the lesbian relationships do not count!
Here are the important points that outline why Mass Effect 2 is part of the sininster homosexual agenda.
1. Jennifer Hale is waaaaay better than Mark Meer when it comes to being Commander Shepard.
Just listen to Female Shepard vs. Male Shepard. The female version is better in almost every scenario. There is nothing wrong with that: Jennifer Hale has chops and is one of my favorite voices in the business, but she outstrips her male countterpart pretty seriously, which leads me to my next point.
2. Everyone plays as a female Shepard.
How do I know this?
Because I'm doing it.
Moving on.
3. All of female Shepard's primary love interests are male.
Now, yes, it's true that you can get your game on with an asari, but they're really non-gendered anyway so that's more cross-speciesism than gayness. It's also true that you can put the moves on Yeoman Chambers as male or female Shepard, but everyone wants to sex up Yeoman Chambers so there's no problem with that.
But all the real love interests for female Shepard are men.
"But Khuutra, what's wrong with that? It sounds perfectly heteronormative!"
And you would be right for saying this, except:
4. The only people who play Mass Effect are men.
It is well known that girls do not play on Xboxes, and also that children cannot play on Xboxes. I don't need to support this point. It is known. Ergo,
5. Every player is a man and the only characters he can pick as love interests are men.
This is half of the problem right here. Every time you want to get to know your crew better, you turn around and they're taking off their pants for you. THeir man pants. Because they are men.
"Okay, Khuutra, I follow you so far, and your logic is sound. But couldn't you, as a man who is playing a woman whose only romantic options are heterosexual relationships (which you would become gay from playing), simply stay celibate?"
You are the smartest forum poster there is. If it stopped here, you would be absolutely right and there would be no problems whatsoever with anything.
But that brings me to my last, final, and most irresistible point.
6. All the male love interests in Mass Effect 2 are dreamboats.
"Wait, what?"
You heard me. They are dreamboats. D-R-E-A-M B-O-A-T-S.
When my wife was playing Mass Effect two days ago, she pointed out to me that the romance options for female characters are much more interesting than the options for male characters. I wanted to argue, but then...
"Oh my goodness who is that"
That is Thane Krios. He is a very religious assassin, a widower still in mourning, and a man trying desperately to come back into contact with his son. He is deeply reflective, genuinely mournful about past wrongdoings, and deeply grateful for any friendship shown to him, much less affection.
"Excuse me a moment I believe I have a case of the vapors"
Thane Krios gives everyone the vapors, what with his gravelly voice and his partially exposed chest and his impeccable sense of style and the way he looks at you when he calls you siha. It can't be helped. It is impossible to resist, even though he is green!
Don't even get me started about the Cerberus operative by the name of Jacob Taylor - or God help you if you think senses of humor are sexy and you run into Garrus. It never stops. The female-oriented love interests are irresistible and coming into contact with them in a circumstance where you are in the guise of a woman will not do anything except make you want to have their babies. It's true!
That is why I made this topic. We have to spread the word, people. We have to convince others not to buy this game, and destroy all copies that already exist! If we act now, we can rid ourselves of this game, the blight it represents, and thos haunting moments where you stare off into space imagining yourself encircled in green arms and just feeling so safe.
To arms!
