In keeping with the (highly appropriate) tone of this newish thread, I'd like to expand on one subject that's been briefly mentioned this morning.
As mentioned earlier, concerned that his balls are too small, Trump has torn down the entire East Wing of the White House (with exactly no one's authorization, just as you would expect) to make room for a massive new ballroom for himself. Reports suggest that once construction is completed, Trump's balls will be absolutely enormous, encompassing 90,000 square feet! That should be sufficient to envelope roughly a thousand captains of industry, religious leaders, foreign indignitaries, and other assorted "alpha" sycophants entirely! For perspective, the White House clocks in at a much smaller 55,000 square feet, so this one room alone will be nearly twice the scale of the White House itself. And all this public benefit for the low, low price of just $350 million, which...I'm not sure how that's even possible. I mean aren't there full-blown mansions out there with built-in ballrooms that cost like $2 or 3 million? How the hell do you blow that up all the way to A HUNDRED PLUS TIMES that cost for just ONE room?! Clearly I'm not rich enough to intuit these things. They require an explanation to me.
Presumably figuring it might look kind of bad for him to be gifting himself a major lifestyle upgrade at taxpayers' expense here in the middle of a lengthy government shutdown while the nation's air traffic controllers are working without pay and its food banks are being shorted, Trump reassures us that at least no public money will be used to pay for these needless renovations, which are the most drastic the White House grounds have ever undergone in American history. Fret not though because you're still paying for them anyway (even if you're not American), as the whole thing is actually just one big bribe for tariff exemptions. It's being financed by Google, Amazon, Meta, Microsoft, Hewlett-Packard, Apple, T-Mobile, Ripple, Coinbase, Palantir, the rest of the Nasdaq Composite, all the tobacco companies, Lockheed Martin, Caterpillar, and pretty much the rest of corporate America and every foundation you've ever heard of before, so basically if you buy anything or contribute to anything, you're paying for Trump's ballroom.
THEREFORE, in honor of Trump's big balls, I hereby invite you to get up and dance like a pink flamingo.
(I thought about choosing some rendition of The Minute Waltz, but that just wasn't as fun. Y'know, they say that achieving a classless society is a utopian pipe dream, but I already have no class. Living proof that it is possible if only everyone would follow my example.)
Last edited by Jaicee - on 26 October 2025
