Guessed by @Darashiva
So, opening this year's real list, and back from being completely out of it last time, is Night in the Woods. Normally when a game comes back into my list it's because I've either replayed it or watched someone play through it, but neither is the case here. No, I haven't touched Night in the Woods since finishing it over four years ago. My main contact with it this year, as in every year prior, was just listening to its soundtrack a couple times. So after years of dwindling, why did my opinion of it improve so suddenly?
Well... Life happened.
I've made no secret to anyone that I've been depressed, sometimes badly so. The past 15 months of my life have been an insane rollercoaster of ups and downs, until it crashed and burned. And since that crash, I've come face to face with the reality of it all, which is that nothing I've ever tried to do amounted to anything. I've failed at everything, and have nothing to show for it. I'm right back where I started. Just like Mae Borowski coming back to her parents as a college dropout.
I feel like an outcast everywhere I go. More than just feel, I have quite undeniably been an outcast my whole life. I've tried to be someone in so many places, but even on the rare occasion that my presence is noticed within a community, it rarely leads to any friendships. And even in the rare times where I formed a real connection with someone, I always end up hurting them. I say mean things, do stupid things. I feel like even the few close friends I have are always one misstep away from leaving me behind, even though they've stuck with me through thick and thin. I feel like a monster. Like Mae, with her nightmare eyes.
I think my brain was completely unprepared for the ridiculous influx of emotions that came along with my gay awakening. The longing for someone to be there by my side. To share in everything we love and everything we are. But there's no "we". Just me, on my own. Like I've always been, only now it hurts to be this way. It's like coming out just unlocked all these new feelings. Loneliness. Depression. Meaninglessness. Worthlessness. And then when I think of Night in the Woods, the very thought of Gregg and Angus makes me break down in tears. I just wish I had what they have. I hope they know how special that is. I hope they never take each other for granted.
I've felt depressed and alone for more than half a year now. The longer this continues, the less I remain hopeful about the future. The less I believe that things will ever get better, that any of this is leading up to anything. I'm growing bitter... kinda like Bea, I suppose. But unlike Bea, I haven't grown up. I don't have that pragmatism she has, that willpower to do what's needed, and to call others out on their bullshit. Maybe I need a Bea in my life, like Mae does. But I don't.
I barely have anyone anymore. I barely have anything at all. Just lingering hopes and dreams on the edge of fizzling out entirely. Feeling like life doesn't have a future in store for me. Just a sad story with a nothing ending.
I just wanted to have something special. Someone special. To build a life with. I just want a future shaped by myself, instead of shaped for me. I don't wanna stand still forever, I can't stand it here anymore. It's been too fucking long.
I just wanna die anywhere else.
So when I think back to Night in the Woods, as I have these past few days when working on my list, well... It hit me really hard. Too hard. In this moment I feel like I could rank it anywhere on this list, never mind as "low" as #40. But I don't know what to think. Thinking of Mae, Bea, Gregg and Angus has me properly distraught. I wanna have friends like that. Different people who want to be there for you no matter what. To do fun things with. Crazy things with. Chill things with. And everything else. They might just be characters from a game I played many years ago, but they've impacted me deeply. If I don't have anything to hold on to, I might as well hold onto them.
