HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! President Biden reportedly just died in a wakeboarding accident at Spring Break Fort Lauderdale in another bid to shore up waning youth support and reassure the nation that he is energetic and up to task of the presidency as part of his re-election effort!! 
Kamala Harris has been sworn in! Meanwhile Trump, almost unsurprisingly, responded by promising to sue the White House, claiming damages resulting from lost anti-Biden merch revenue while angry supporters complained their shirts, buttons, and bumper stickers were no longer relevant. Naturally that would be their response to a situation like this. 
If that weren't enough news for you today, a leak has revealed, furthermore, that Harris plans to choose Taylor Swift as her running mate. You read that correctly! Asked about the matter (after being chased down by a mob of reporters), Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said that the leak was being investigated and that the leaker would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Pressed on the substance of the Swift selection, Jean-Pierre added that, in light of Biden's passing, it was time for the campaign "to shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it up". ...Delivery aside, it's probably a good choice really. Swift is actually popular with Americans under 65. Naturally, there will be a lot of backlash from the "Swift is a psy-op" crowd, but, y'know, haters gonna hate. Probably the best thing to happen to the Democratic presidential campaign so far. Still quite a day, jeez!!
(Also April Fools.)
