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ireadtabloids said:
I took a few months to process this topic and get to know you a bit before wading in and reading the chat up to this point and sharing my experience. An autistic woman with post-viral chronic fatigue saved my life with her love. Background: I have a diagnosis of autism (I haven’t looked up the new research on what the different levels mean). I got that at a young age and it was helpful, but it left things unexplained. I suspected I also had bipolar and schizophrenia, but they come with a lot more baggage so I was scared to get that investigated by an expensive psychiatrist and go through all that pain until I had ruled out some other things and had developed the social skills and understanding to allow me to be assessed accurately. I have very intense relationships with people and I’m very sensitive to the mental states of others. I can’t cope with bright lights and crowded spaces without my prescription glasses which took me a while to process that I needed and how I should use them as I was used to being short sighted and my vision shutting down to a narrow cone and three metres in front of me when anxious. I need a level of hyper self awareness to be able to understand the impacts of the chemical interactions in my brain and responses to barometric pressure among other things. I shake if I don’t carefully regulate my dopamine. I go manic or crash if I don’t carefully manage my endorphins. I get paranoid if I am unable to self soothe myself enough to be restful and carefully re-process my thoughts into healthier ones. I couldn’t bear to be on medication when I was in my teens. The treatments weren’t good enough to help do anything, but shut me down back then. I had a psychiatrist try to tell me I was ADHD and I felt so abused by their dismissals of my discomfort and terrifying experience of being on amphetamines and wanting to punch and stab people. I couldn’t form healthy relationships with people I loved. I suffered gender dysmorphia, couldn’t do self care and generally struggled to feel comfortable and free of pain in my own body. But people loved me and people from numerous different disciplines and ways of life kept offering to help me and giving me just enough support to keep me alive due to my potential. Even when some people thought I was evil, or a demon or a potential mass murderer or playing up as bad behaviour as possible for attention. The mental health stigma was too bad to be allowed to discuss my thoughts. I couldn’t understand how certain businesses were building up profiles of people through random sampling and paper trail so I felt constantly examined. The people that made me feel the best also made me feel the worst. I’m easily addicted to other people and people are easily addicted to me. I couldn’t have the positive relationships with women that I craved. All I could do was spiral down and neg. I couldn’t easily identify with either heteronormative gender and form that connection. One thing that saved me was an understanding of standard deviation I only got because a university lecturer allowed me to cheat by taking photographs of the answers so I could have time to process the answers into my own understanding how things naturally vary. Another thing that saved me was the teachings of Jesus even though I believe in death and rational understanding. Another thing that saved me was improved education and improved treatments when I eventually broke down again in my mid 20s and needed medication to find out what was going on with my body and achieve consistent lucidity. But the most important person that saved me is an autistic woman that I knew had the rare traits I needed in a relationship and I tried so hard to protect and encourage them. They are magic for me, logically and scientifically understanding my problems. Their slow logic based methodical processes calm me down so much so I can experience love and participate in life instead of ending up homeless and helpless in the streets eventually giving into self harm and wanting an accelerated death. I am so thankful that I have them. So thank you to people like you Curl that allow me to have a consistent relationship with others in the world. I won’t PM you or have chats with you anywhere other than relevant vgchartz posts where we can discuss the inhale exhale model of the Nintendo Switch and all that Nvidia 1630 inventory and improved RAM tech that make that possible at a consistent price without changing so much that it shocks people, and the qualities of OLED screens vs existing models LCD and other options like mini-LED. But thank you for reading this post and making sense of it in your own time even if it takes you a few months to process it as well. An educated autistic woman who had also suffered huge pain saved my life and I really hope that one day you find that person you can relate to that calms you and makes participating in life so much more worthwhile. |
Thank you for taking the time to watch/read and respond so comprehensively; it sounds like you're an incredibly strong person to have come through so much, and I'm really glad you found someone that you connect with in such a powerful way.
It's always nice to hear from other Autistics too.
