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Jaicee said:

So last time (which was way back in June) I promised to make more substantive posts to this thread. Alright, I've got something. This video caught my eye this morning, so I checked it out...

...and it just hit home with me. I've had very little success in dating myself. Of course I have several mental health issues that just make me difficult to live with really, but like Rowan says, being gay and on the asexuality spectrum also makes it qualitatively more difficult than it seems like it would otherwise be. There are just numerous issues. I cannot just assume that someone I might be interested in shares my orientation let alone an interest specifically in me, for example, because in all likelihood she doesn't.  What's more, in my particularly small and heavily religious community, it just doesn't feel that safe to be out (no one here is) and there are no gay bars or gay clubs or anything like that in town (there is THE bar); you have to travel quite a ways. And as a kid in like middle school and high school, of course things like clubs and bars weren't options for one anyway. Also, bars and clubs are just very sexual environments and casual sex isn't really of interest to me. I want a relationship.

In as far as I have been able to date other girls/women before, it has been through some combination of little miracles and no small amount of effort and also almost exclusively informal. Honestly, I've been on quite a few more fake dates with guys I've trusted (to advance the appearance of heterosexuality so people won't suspect me for being alone for so long) than I have been on real ones.

The in thing now, especially with the coronavirus out there these days, is like online dating. Those sorts of options that weren't there when I was younger being there now does help a little! But like Rowan says, you wind up mostly just being directed to men and to like women who just want to use you as a fetish (like for a "bi" threesome more likely than a date), stuff like that.

I don't know what I want out of anyone here in terms of a response, I'm just voicing a frustration. I feel like she does; just like afraid I'm going to wind up spending the rest of my life alone. Anyone else felt like that before?

So this is obviously a different situation, but I found my wife on okcupid. I prefer online dating because it makes intentions clear and obvious. Even as a straight dude I never wanted to approach women out and about because most will not be interested (just statistically) and if they aren't interested then I've just been a mild annoyance which I hate. On something like okcupid the pretense is gone. When I was on first dates I would make my goals in life clear and it felt a lot less random. If you haven't tried that particular site I would give it a shot. Still probably get a lot of threesome requests, but maybe you could focus on sending out messages yourself rather than responding to what others send. 

Edit: asking my wife (who is bi) she suggests trying to find a site specific to people looking to date women or femme people. something like Grindr for lesbians and bi women. 

Last edited by Torillian - on 22 August 2020