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To make a long story short. I wanted to gain some weight so I could prove how easy it is to lose it. Given a few days ago I acquired Ring Fit Adventure, I thought it would be an excellent time to measure weight loss.

So I set out by eating very dense valley food, full of deep fried oils. I also ate a ton of peanuts. Anyway. Long story short, I had stomach cramps a short time later and began shutting out something of the consistency of salsa. As the day worse on, it became liquid, and HIGHLY painful. Research shows that it is due to bike and hydrochloric acid dissolving my rectum. So I needed to shit, but I also needed it to NOT be blindingly painful. After multiple shots of whisky I decided to look up redass.

I did NOT expect to find what I did. It is apparently a sport played in Canada and the US with some varying rules. This version looked native to some place called “Etobicoke” which is located near the city of Toronto, or perhaps within it. And is apparently a very poor area.

The goal of the game is to throw a tennis ball or baseball at the wall. If someone misses catching the ball there are two different rules. Ruleset A - any player who catches the ball is permitted to throw that ball at the offending player’s ass. In ruleset B - the player must stand against the wall while the other players are permitted to whip baseballs at his ass. Note: I use the phrasing “his” not because of any kind of sexism, but because we all know that only us guys are stupid enough to come up with such a game! =P

Back to the other part. I’m losing weight NOW. I have been up shitting all night. Desperation kicked in long ago, as you might be able to tell. Luckily I had this big bottle of whisky. I was saving it for some such occasion where I did something stupid and needed it.

Anyway, I’m pretty drunk now and earlier jammed ointment up my asshole. I have also taken up Christianity and am now trying out this Jesus prayer thing - I’ll give it a few hours to see if it works. I really hope Jesus dying on the cross for his followers includes extreme anal pain. He forgives and heals sinners, right? Because with this burning I feel like I just got fucked in the ass.

I’m burping every 3-5 minutes, it tastes like rotting leaves, and now I’m going to get drunk and hope I can shit this demonic substance from out my gut! For the bible says in Mark 7:3: “Jesus, why does your follower eat so terribly?” and Jesus spake unto him “Hear me and understand that food which is eaten that is defiling will no longer be sinful because whatever goes into a man from the mouth enters his digestive tract and not his heart and therefore cannot defile him. And the sinful shits shall no longer be painful with Satan’s fire. I declare all those HEALED!”  - or something like that.

But anyway, I’ll stop here. The moral of the story is that in Canada their national sport is whipping baseballs at each other’s asses!

And to return the Canadian tradition, I am sincerely sorry to anyone who has read this far!

I describe myself as a little dose of toxic masculinity.