When Pulp Fiction came out there were thousands and thousands of scripts sent to studios that were just poorly disguised copies of that style and they all sucked. They sucked because they weren't written with the writers' true voice and just ended up as a cheap imitation.
Find your own voice and style, youtube is full of shit imitations of Yahtzee and pretty much anything else popular. They just come across as being really unfunny. It's fine to have influences just make sure it's a wide range. Check out Charlie Brookers' Screenwipe on Youtube for a great example of a review show.
As for a critique on your writing style, you ask too many questions. For instance don't ask "What's wrong with this?", tell us what is wrong with it, it's more interesting and informative that way.
And if you want the finished article to be good then write lots of drafts, don't just settle for thinking your first draft is good enough.
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