I am making a review, like the Angry Video Game Nerd. Please help, by criticizing this script, because I know that it sucks. I rather have insults, than complements, but I'd prefer criticism, because you learn most, by criticism. Whoever helps me out the most, and well, may have their name on the credits, if they want.
This game, is the biggest, most epically, disgraceful, pile of hedgehog shit, ever created.
Remember when Sonic didn't suck? That was a long time ago. Back in the days, Sonic was the fucking shit, and he'll always be remembered as one of the greatest video game characters, of all time.
Sonic, and Tails, kicked ass. They were the only ones, I've ever liked.
But too bad they now ride the shit train like everyone else.
First of all, why do these games, have the same name? It makes no sense.
Second of all, why did they name this horrible game, after these classics? What an insult.
(PS3)
Look at them. They look like shit. Tails looks like one of those overly happy, yet, semi-retarded looking, characters, that never made it to one of those budget, remake, Pinnoccioh cartoons, and Sonic looks like a stretched out version of Gumby, died blue, with a giant, drooping, star fish, as a head. Tails, tails are barely attached to his body, the lip synchronizing is horrible, and they're more annoying than Slippy Toad, of Star Fox 64.
I'd rather listen to Alvin, and the Chipmunks, on crack.
Why does Shadow drive vehicles, when he runs faster? It makes as much sense as Kirby, sucking up enemies, with a giant vacuum. Come on you bat bitch, move.
Silver looks like a mutated bird.
None of them combined, equal the real thing.
Who's this useless fuck? Do we really need, four hedgehogs?
Now, my biggest question, is how the hell did we go from this, to this?
Does this feel like Sonic, to you? No. Not even close. This feels like a pile of fucking shit. It's just a bad rip off of Delfino, from Super Mario Sunshine. Look, even the portals, preview the levels. I mean, this pile of dog shit, is an insult to Sonic, and Mario, at the exact same time. The music matches, but that's exactly why it's horrible.
Now, the main problem with the town, is that it's the hub world, so it constantly interrupts the levels, by having you waste your time, looking for the portals, that warp you to the corresponding levels. It's stupendously annoying. It wouldn't bother me so much, if the levels were at least, decent, and you could play them consecutively, but no. They're crap, diluted in this puddle, of diarrhea water. It's like watching bad commercials, in a bad movie, like the Super Mario Bros. Movie, but worse. Why continue, when each reward is hippopotamus ass, to the face? Too bad I never give up.
Now, I'm not saying, all hub worlds are bad. The Mario ones are definitely awesome, even though they can still get boring after a while, because you're consistently, having to revisit them. But this one, just sucks. It sucks after a while, and it sucks right away. You're always lost, because everything looks exactly the same, the size of it, never ends, and the almost, non-existent directions, are worse, than trying to find your way, out of a forest, by chasing a squirrel with a stick. I'd rather be lost in the fucking sewer. Towns, and cities, should only be levels, as long as they retain that Sonic atmosphere.
You also have to complete the dumbest missions imaginable. Okay. In this one, you practically do nothing, and you win. Yeah, an incredible piece of shit.
Loading screens are long, and everywhere, and prolong the shittyness, like stretching a long turd. Look at the instructions. They're simplified to the point, where they make no sense. Why is it taking so long?
What's the point?
These rings are impossible to get. If only the camera, didn't change angles.
Now look at this. He out runs this orca, jumps on flying, pieces of wood, and now, Jackie Chan is going to jump off the fin, onto a nearby island, and continue running, right?
Well, the way everything was connecting together, you'd expect him to, but no. He helplessly clings onto the fin, like a frightened cat, and now, Tails has to go and save him. How convenient. It's just a lame excuse, to force you to play as Tails, who should have been following my ass, to begin with.
What was he even doing, randomly standing by the edge of the dock, in the first place?
Collecting all the rings, is impossible.
Oh look. I missed a one. Let me go back for it. Why is it so hard? Where is it? It would be easier, high diving, while taking a shit. Oh, there it is. Look. I went completely around it. Yes. No. Fuck nozzle!
He can only attack by throwing dummy rings.
Yeah, throw those dummy rings.
It's so stupid. Imagine in Super Mario 64, if Mario can only attack, by throwing dummy coins.
He infinitely pulls them out of his ass, and look, he can't even pick them back up.
Sometimes, you accidentally go into first person mode, and that always fucks you up, like a chimpanzee, slapping your video camera, every few seconds.
The entire concept, makes no sense. Why can't he just attack, by using himself?
So I hit the damn switch.
Okay. Why is there even a gate here? Am I in a fucking aquarium? Now look at that. It doesn't even fully close. What a piece of shit. I mean, is the water supposed to be the ground? It's useless. Why doesn't the stupid orca, just swim underneath,
or go around? Look at it. It's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life, and sums up the entire stupidity of this atrociously, awful game. How the fuck, could it block the way?
He jumps, before it, anyway, so what difference does it make, if it's closed, let alone, partially open?
If you don't hit the switch, you have to watch the cheesiest cut scene, ever embraced, in a video game. The orca, randomly, partially, disappears. Am I supposed to be sad right now? If anything, I'd be happier if Sonic never came back.
If you weren't forced to play as Tails, none of these mistakes, would have been made. Having to play as him, was obviously, more important, than making sense. Could the infinite train, loaded with bull shit, be any longer? Yes.
At the beginning, I at most, expected him to jump to a nearby island, but at the end, he ends up, jumping to the next, fucking country.
This game, makes less sense, than King Dedede, helping Kirby.
Now, he decides to run faster. If he ran faster at the beginning, he would have caught up by now. You can't slow down, or stop, like and don't bother jumping, because if you jump at an angle, on a dock, you'll fall straight into the water, without a splash.
1-Up?
What's wrong with this?
1-Up a donkey's ass.
Look. Nothing. Like what this horrible game, should be.
I finished the level, but why does Sonic, stop, and pose, in the middle of the chase? This game bounces on kangaroo balls.
Let me tell you exactly, what you need to know, about the story. It's a fucking encyclopedia, that makes no sense!
One more level.
Controlling Sonic, is harder than riding a broken unicycle, down a partially melted ice berg, while wearing a sumo suit.
Now I'm stuck. Come on, you blue ball of shit, move. It's like trying to move a horse on a baby stroller, through a bunch of winding hills. Finally. No, no, no. Fuck.
Now, how was I supposed to avoid that small object? It came out of nowhere, and hit me in a fraction of a second. No. Don't go up. Oh, come on, it didn't even hit me.
Fuck.
Now you're forced to play as Tails again, but this time, without any lame excuses. Not a reason, at all. Absolutely nothing. You're simply, just forced to play as him, which is actually worse because, they didn't even try.
Oh look, I just went around in a circle.
I'd have more fun, counting stars, while helplessly, floating away, forever, in outer space. I'd have more fun, sticking my head in a bee hive, while a gorilla hammers a coconut up my ass. I'd have more fun, being trapped beneath two unicorns, having sex, while one of them, shits on my face.
This game super sucks fuck, so super fucking much, it would make a black hole explode.
