Okay... let me try to say something helpful.
Blocking thoughts is no good. It puts strain on your brain and those thoughts always come back to haunt you. Complete the thought and it will disappear. That doesn't mean follow it through 90% or 95%. Relax in bed and follow it through 100 percent. Keep it in mind as it transforms and at last dissipates. Don't force anything to happen.
If you have memories which are burdening you, let them enter your mind. Focus on them, remember every detail and don't try to escape or explain any of it away. Just let them hit you full force. Any emotions related to those memories, don't block them. But don't speak them or think them out, feel them.
And don't be afraid to feel fear. Don't show ignorance towards fear. We develop through fear, and when we block fear, we stunt our growth. If fear is ignored, it isn't lost, but over time festers into anger and paranoia.
Otherwise, if fear is faced full on, and you don't negate the feelings of fear but allow yourself to feel afraid, you may be able to rid yourself of at least some of the backed up fear and anger you have accumulated, and be able to finally feel genuine emotions towards the world around you.
The rest is up to you. With a psychiatrist you will have someone who will see you through on your way towards better health, and that's always good to have. Going from such a negative state of mind towards something positive is very hard, yet the only way to get better is to let your brain, and anyone willing to help you, work for you. You're schizophrenic, yes, don't lie to yourself about that and don't be afraid of any diagnosis you may get. But you're not broken, you're just jammed up. So have trust in people, in yourself, have faith, try to find reason and patience, and have humor. Godspeed, Brutalyst!
