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Definitely appreciate the satire.

Though I overall prefer 3D Zeldas, you it the nail on the head on why the first 5 hours and any "helper" interruption makes me cringe.

Long lists of words don't make the controls easy to remember. Trial, error, and intuition do. The game should back off the obvious tutorials and be much more subtle in the teaching process so it feels like they're learning on their own instead of an AI teacher.