The NPC guide to Surviving a video game

[Ajescent]

For those budding NPCs wannabees out there, the kind folks at OPM.uk have done a handy 10 point guide to surviving life as an NPC.

1: Avoid open areas filled with chest-high walls

Many things in life need to be chest-high. Peep holes, changing room mirrors, chest-press machines on their sides… Chest-high walls, meanwhile, serve no conceivable security purpose whatsoever beyond possibly walling in a bonsai garden against a gang of vandal dormice. Their appearance in a big open space means only one thing: that the protagonist is on his way from a long stint of not killing anyone, and won’t leave until he’s seen you do the same canned death animation as the other nine body-obstacles you dared to clutter his path with.

 

2: Don’t dress like everybody else

Of course cooperation is important, and matching uniforms are a great way to say ‘I’m a team player!’ But you know who’s a really good team? The Justice League. Sure, the spandex bodysuits and eye-masks make them look like a dance troupe gearing up for a particularly camp Phantom Of The Opera On Ice, but how many twelve-part comic stories have you been in over the past 50 years? That’s right: one. And you fell into an acid bath eleven pages in. Jazz it up a bit: a bit of flair and a splash of colour might just mark you out as a tertiary villain with a recurring series role.

3: Be suspicious of people you don’t know wearing your uniform

If you aren’t the creative sort, or Evil HR have sent a stern e-mail informing you that following company dress code is STRICTLY COMPULSORY FOR ALL EMPLOYEES, be aware of crafty enemies using your lack of fashion nous to their advantage. Who’s that maintenance guy with the sunglasses and possible comedy nose you saw making ‘repairs’ on the fuse box with a sledgehammer? And sure, that seven-foot, lantern-jawed deli-counter worker with the dead eyes needs his line of cheesewire for work, but why is he using it to drag Ted into that dumpster, and what’s he doing hanging around an underground bioweapons facility in the first place?

4: Don’t investigate suspicious noises

Guarding a pirate island is basically like a paid gap year: long walks on the beach, exploring ancient temples and buying kitschy souvenir bags made from the skins of local wildlife. Life’s literally a beach, until the heroic college boy protagonist on a quest to unleash his latent warrior spirit shows up and starts hacking people’s kidneys out with a bowie knife. So, remember: if you hear a sudden rustle in a nearby copse of palm trees, immediately spray it with napalm or run for the jeep. At worst it’s the hero trying to cause a distraction, but at best it’s a komodo dragon – so why risk it?

5  Avoid talking loudly about all the evil things you’re going to do when you get off work

But the life of a faceless NPC isn’t all patrolling and getting shanked in the neck, ho no! Sure, if you’re cast as the warden of some dystopian, plague-ridden port city, the daily grind of tossing bodies into mass graves might dampen the spirits. But once the clock strikes five, your time’s your own! Why not gather for whiskey and cigars, then discuss at length that hilarious time at work the other day where you found a homeless guy out past curfew and kicked him through a Wall of Light? Well, because there’s a magic assassin creeping around stabbing all your friends in the throat. So, how about a game of Twister instead?

For the rest of the list, click here