So, I'm 21 and never had a girlfriend or kissed or held hands with a girl

[sapphi_snake]

WereKitten said:

PhoenixKing said:

And... according to my friends, nearly all of whom have done the above mentioned in my topic title, I'm not missing anything.

Apparently, I'm the lucky one because, according to one, I'm a 'clean slate'. I don't have any bad break-ups like they do and I'm not super depressed about that 'one person' who could make me happy all the time. It's not 'too late' for me to move on and such.

A lot of my friends have fallen in love and... well... are still depressed over break-ups that have been years in the past. It's rather sad to see... It makes me think relationships are all bad, lol. My parents aren't divorced but they have so many fights all the time and my grandpa cheats on my grandma... so yeah...

Um, what do you guys think? I mean, I thought I missed out when younger or was a failure like some people on other boards mentioned but... looking at what happens when relationships degrade so much...

I seldom comment on personal issues, but I want to throw out a few morsels of thought, from the point of view of someone who is quite older and has been through a lot of personal turmoils.

First of all, your friends are either being cowards or mollycoddling you. Same with everybody who is indulging this idea of "messy breakups make it not worth it".

All great steps and experiences in life require hard work and can lead to unhappiness, self-deprecation and pain. Each one of them: from investing your energies in a job or creative effort, to a sentimental or emotional bonding, to educating and caring for a child.

If you want a lot, you have to invest yourself and if you do so, you're liable to being hurt in many ways. That's life for you, and that's why we can heal and learn from most things.

Being coward is a legitimate temporary reaction to harm, but linger in it too much and it will cripple you. Preach cowardice and you're harming people. Recognize that it is itself a problem and learn that you have to wade past the fear.

Get to the root of it: there's nothing wrong with being 21 and being in your situation. You might be a bit shy, you might have had some bad experiences. Ask yourself if and why you're missing a sentimental or intimate relationship. Are you really missing the confidence, the fun, the support, the sex? Are you doubting of yourself, asking if there's "something wrong" with you? Are you wondering if you'll regret having missed something in your youth?

Well, the big news is that we all doubt of ourselves, we are all scared. Work on yourself, recognize your motivations and fears -you're young and you can steer your life in a thousand directions. But try and learn to laugh in the face of excuses; snap at your friends for their self-consolatory bullshit: being a friend means telling people what you really think they need, not what they want to hear.

We're all there with you in some degree; from the Spoon River Anthology, "George Gray":

I have studied many times

The marble which was chiseled for me—

A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.

In truth it pictures not my destination

But my life.

For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;

Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;

Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.

Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.

And now I know that we must lift the sail

And catch the winds of destiny

Wherever they drive the boat.

To put meaning in one’s life may end in madness,

But life without meaning is the torture

Of restlessness and vague desire—

It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.

 

I say you should go out and play. We get hurt, we heal, we learn.

Great post!