12. Earth Defense Force 2017 (X360)
I can't think of a better picture to sum up the supremely rad nature EDF 2017 than one of a dude shooting a giant robot in the dick. But you're not limited to just giant robots, as there are plenty of giant ants, giant spiders, REALLY giant spiders, and positively gargantuan robot dinosaurs whose dicks you can shoot as well. You're definitely spoiled for choice when it comes to what you'll be shooting all those monstrous genitalia with, since the game has over 150 weapons to collect. Yes, 150! The mighty Halo 3 only had something like 20, so logically Earth Defense Force 2017 should have sold 85 million copies. So why didn't it? At first it seems obvious that it's because there simply aren't that many 360s in the world. But I crunched the numbers and found that Earth Defense Force didn't even come close to its rightful 1:1 attach ratio. This was a troubling revelation, and after giving it much thought I can only conclude that it's because this game is way too hardcore a shooter for the casuals who comprise the majority of Xbox 360 fans. Master Chief is the kind of guy who can reenter the Earth's atmosphere and crash headfirst into the ground and be back on his feet within seconds, while Marcus Fenix is such a massive, musclebound bulletsponge that the walls in Gears of War could use him for cover. Meanwhile, the scrawny boys of the EDF look like they barely weigh 150 pounds soaking wet in their full gear, so even the grotesquely obese mouthbreathers who populate Xbox Live are perceptive enough to know that it's going to be a tough slog at best and probably more than a match for their underdeveloped skills. Those few who did take the plunge likely turned tail once their fellow soldiers (and the framerate, part of the game's janky charm) started dying all around them, and ran back to the safety of Call of Duty.
Well, fuck 'em. There's no room for the lily-livered where we're going. We shall fight the alien menace on the beaches, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, and we shall fight in the giant ant nests which are the only part of the game I think really sucks. (Possibly Sandlot was bowing to realism here, because being in a giant ant nest probably would really suck.) We shall fight them with our shitty vehicles, and we shall never surrender! EDF! EDF! EDF!
