I feel like I've lost my very meaning to live. I'm about to graduate from UCSD, I just started a great internship, I have loving friends and a family who is always here for me doing their best...
But I feel like everything I have ever lived for is gone. Ever since I was a little boy, I've been dreaming of finding my soul mate and spending the rest of eternity with her. Loving her, taking care of her, being there for her, and going through all the experiences of life together hand-in-hand. It was my sole purpose in life that I found meaning in.
Flash-forward to now and I've had a longstanding relationship with the girl of my dreams. I am almost 21 and she's almost 20. I met her about two years ago and we were both instantly drawn to each other. I was afraid to get into a relationship with her because she was a model and did a lot of her moeling in the UK, which meant that she would be gone half the year. I disapprove of the objectifying that modeling does as well, and it was something very hard for me to overcome.
But she kept pursuing me, she kept chasing me, she was downright crazy over me, and she wouldn't stop until she had me. I was the first guy she had ever fallen in love with. She's been around guys her whole life and had countless opportunities, but she hasn't even kissed one before me. And here she is, running after me like an unstoppable force. After only so much, I buckled under my own emotions and gave into them, falling so crazily in love with this girl. We both fell faster and faster in love. It felt like we loved each other to the fullest extent a human could feel, but still even that love grew every day. We were always together every moment of our time we could spend. Whenever we weren't together, we'd be texting each other or talking on the phone.
We shared and delved into everything with each others' lives. We were both so open with each other, telling things we would never tell anyone else, and we grew ever closer and understood each other more every day. We were soul mates. We had everything together.
We've been through issues in the past with each other, which in the end we always overcome and grew together as a result. We've been through so much. But then there was her father. You see, my girlfriend isn't allowed to date. Her father has her entire life planned out and he refuses to let her date anyone, no matter if he's an amazing Superman. She isn't allowed to date until she is over 30 years old. Her father has always been vehemently against the relationship, and as a result we've had to keep it hidden from him.
But just like in a classic story, you can't keep stuff like that hidden forever. I knew the day would come out that he found out, and I was ready, more than ready, to face him and talk to him and work things out with him. For my girlfriend, for us, for our futures and our love.
A few days after sharing our anniversary together, my girlfriend got mad at me one time because she felt I was ignoring her while I was talking to my friends. She tends to get jealous extremely easily (especially when it comes to other girls) and I understand that. I get jealous sometimes too. And so I've always tried to do my best to let her know she's my one and only and the sole-center of my love and attention.
Things would have been okay though. We would have made up and it would have been fine. But something went terribly wrong. She had left her laptop open and her dad found everything. Facebook, msn, everything we used to communicate online together. He then forced her to give him her phone and he saw all the texts and voicemails. He went off on a rampage with her and for the next few weeks, was yelling and talking down on her about everything, saying she was ruining her life.
This entire time, she hadn't communicated with me at all. The last I heard from her was that she was mad at me because she felt I had ignored her. I thought... "there's no way she would leave me for two weeks and refuse to respond to my texts and calls, just because of that. What the hell happened?" And so I started getting these horrible thoughts in my mind. My mind can be extremely suicidal, and it can whip up the most horrid thoughts and imaginings that utterly destroy me inside.
Near the end of the second week, I get a text from her saying she can't be with me any longer. No further explanation, no nothing. My heart exploded. After trying to reach out to her again, I felt like I had lost everything and it was all a game to her. A few nights later, I was literally minutes away from taking about 25 sleeping pills that I stole from my mother (she had them as a prescription for her sleeping troubles she had earlier this year) and I'm all but ready to end this pathetic life. Just then, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend calls me. She's bawling her eyes out and she reveals to me everything that's been going on. She managed to sneak away from her father's eyes at 12am midnight to call me and tell me all of this. Everything that had been going on.
Her father was even threatening to send her to military camp. I told her it would be okay. I promised her we would make it work out and everything would be okay. I told her that if something ever happened, she could come right to my front door and I would take her in without hesitation, and we would find a way through all of this together.
But then everything once again fell down, even worse. Being the way I am, I needed to talk to her and have her answer questions that had been destroying me inside. I needed explanations because without her soothing words, my mind thinks up horrid thoughts and destroys itself. But she was already feeling so cracked and so emotionally wasted from everything going on, that all I did was upset her. She grew so furious at me, saying I wasn't being there for her.
Here I am, two weeks later. I've been trying to call her, trying to text her, trying to tell her I was sorry. Saying that as soul mates, part of love is forgiveness and being able to grow and move on together. I have been changing myself to never doubt her again because I truly understand how much she loves me. I wouldn't ever doubt her again. But she insists that I'm just saying sweet meaningless words to draw her back in, and that I'll then throw doubt in her face when she is back. But that's not true. I have grown. I have changed. I believe in her love. But she doesn't understand.
She won't let me talk to her on the phone, and she rarely replies to my texts besides telling me negative things. She is so furious with me.
Without her by my side, I feel like my heart is slowly dying of poison. I have an incredibly hard time sleeping at night. My stomach feels like I'm going to throw up every second of every day, and I can't eat except for once or twice a day, eating extremely tiny meals. I am falling apart. I'm even crying my eyes out as I've been typing this post. I don't know what to do. But one thing is different. I'm no longer having those horrid thoughts that my mind makes up. I'm no longer doubting her. Because I look at all the words she's ever told me, and I see her true love in them. All the times she told me she'd stand by my side forever no matter what. That she needed me more than the air she breathes.
The only thing keeping me going is that whenever I text and ask her for a final answer, whether she loves and needs me or doesn't anymore, she refuses to reply. She could easily say "no, It's over." or "No, I don't want to see you ever again." or anything like that.
But she isn't. Even though she's so furiously upset with me right now, and even though she's going through absolute hell with her father, deep down inside she still needs me and loves me just as much as she ever did. I refuse to let go of that hope. I refuse to.
And so here I am, trying to hold on. I'm trying my best to be strong and hold on, waiting until she is ready to talk to me and we can make things right together. But I feel like every minute that passes, the fire in my soul is dying out. I feel like I'm going to fade from existence.
I refuse to stop believing in her love for me because it is the only thing keeping me in this world. But I don't know how much longer I can do this by myself, without her by my side, before I lose what's left of me.
