Help me with "The Pianist", part 2!

[appolose]

yana3211 said:
Okay, listen up. first off, you have to work on your vocab. The first sentence is so cliched that it hit me in the face like a wet bag full of mice. Terribly bland. Try tremendously or something like that, not "really badly". Other than that, try using more fancy words, that always looks good, and by doing so you will eventually learn them. More synonyms!
Yes, that first sentence was all in bold  originally, I was just trying to get started :)  Vocabulary should come later once I start the next draft.
Second, your thesis is accurate but you should also point out, that most of the most depressing scenes take place during the evening or during bad weather, which adds to the dark and saddening mood of the movie. Take into account the months that the scenes take place in, winter, autumn etc and follow up on this in your paper.
I had not noticed that; thank you!
Architecture is only a follow up, when the movie begins, the city is in perfect state, but as time goes by, the occupation takes it's toll on the city. The walls are full of gunshot marks, many buildings are destroyed. all this goes up to the point where the whole city was destroyed by Nazi bombardments in 44'. You can use this in your paper as further acknowledgment for you thesis.

Also, one clarification, Szpilman didn't know what the Nazi's were doing with his family and friends, ergo he didn't know that the germans had total annihilation planned for the jews. It is a historic fact that many jews thought that still believed that would be spared when they were mounted into the trains that would take them to Auschwitz and other such places.
 I was hoping to really make that more of the point of the second paragraph, but as you point out below...
Okay, that's enough as far as tips go, here comes the (constructive) bashing.

You are making a plot summary instead of a paper with a thesis. What you did wrong was that you wanted to include every aspect of your thesis in every paragraph. That forced you to reveal the whole plot step by step, which is meaningless, since you won't be graded on your knowledge of the movie, but what you understood from it.

What you must do is divide your thesis into paragraphs. For instance your first paragraph (after the entry paragraph that you already have) you should concentrate on showing examples of music reflecting Szpilmans mood, in the second paragraph examples of the architecture mirroring how the main character feels and in the third paragraph, go for the color motives.
Totally agree.  I seem to be having trouble with really showing more key events and how they parallel the "emotional state" of Szpilman.  I had planned to 3 main body paragraphs, one focusing on the scenery, one on the brutality, and one the music; I think it may turn out horribly redundant.   For some reason I'm having trouble making the topics relevant to my thesis.
After that, you must do one thing, something that every good thesis paper must have, you must rite a paragraph with your thoughts on the the thesis, in which you may (but don't have to) give another example for your thesis. I know that it sound confusing but here's how it would look like: If you thesis is that music, architecture and others are made so to reflect Szpilmans feelings in the movie, you go on to say if you think that it was done well or not, with reasons why you believe so.
I see.
After that, all that's left is to make an ending to your paper in which you reassure the reader that your thesis is accurate while putting the whole thing into a nice context about the movie.

Well then, if you have any other worries, please write on this thread so that we can
(constructively) bash you.

Thank you very much for our time and critique!

 

 

This is not my best writing.

I may post one of my earlier papers to buouy my pride (they were significantly better) :)