Top 10 Things Nintendo should do to become number 1 again

[noname2200]

If I may...don't want to give them their hits, eh?



"Ah, Nintendo. You're like an old friend to us, and watching your progress is like having to put down a childhood pet. You used to be king of the world with the SNES, and the N64 still had some of the greatest games known to mankind, but now, you're just the embarrassment of the console race.

Ironically, your console is number 1, but there's one thing that's missing that was in all of your old consoles. Good games.

Sure, the parents and politicians are eating up the Wii, but you know as well as I do that if you fail to give us some better games, you'll lose the entire audience of the gamers who have been with you for the last 20+ years. And there's more of us than there are of fictional families who gather around the television to play WiiSports.

So with that being said, I'm not going to rant too much (upon rereading this blog to check for spelling errors, I realised this was a complete lie. Rants ahead), I'm going to suggest some things that could possibly help you to reclaim your title, and make you not only the number 1 selling console on the market, but also the number one most loved.

10) Tone down the Miis

Miis are strange. Miis are little things that nobody really cares about. Miis look like they were created on an N64. Miis are ugly bobble-headed things that people only create when they're ridiculously bored and can't find a decent game to play.

Nobody really cares about Miis that much, so if you have to cut down working on something to find time to do something else, cut down on them. Besides, even though the Microsoft Avatars were a rip-off of them, they're actually better, as they look slightly more human and actually have expressions. It's hard to emphasize with a sphere-headed freak with a cylinder by who always ends up bearing some resemblance to Hitler if I ever find myself bored enough to try and make one.

9) Stop forcing technology on us

We get it, you're proud of your WiiMote and DS Stylus, but you forgot to check for one thing when you made them. Do they work? Check. Can they be rudely intrusive in games, making you wish that you could just use a normal controller instead? Check. Are they any more fun than a regular controller... No check.

Yes, I know that it's 'technology' but here's an example of what I hate about the pointless innovation we have today.

I had a keyboard on my old computer. It worked well. I liked it.

On the new computer I had, there was a wireless keyboard, possibly the most FUCKING USELESS invention in the world. It's like a wired keyboard, except it uses batteries which cost more money, and it misses out at least 1 letter out of every 5. I no longer own this keyboard for obvious reasons.

This is why I hate innovation. People assume that because something's expensive to do, it must be really good. Well, it's not. The WiiMote is a horrible excuse for a controller, and feels forced in most games, with the exception of FPS games. The DS Stylus is no better, making you move/attack/dodge things in a whole new era of awkwardness and annoying sounds as you repeated have to tap the screen.

Fuck Innovation and leave me to play games in peace.

8) Give us a challenge!

I'm not saying that every Nintendo game is easy nowadays, but let's have some comparisons.

Super Mario Sunshine - Practically impossible to get every shine sprite.
Super Mario Galaxy - One or two hard Lumas, the rest are easy.

A Link to the Past - Some tough bosses, nothing legendarily difficult.
Twilight Princess - Every boss easily beaten on the first time playing with no lives lost.

Super Smash Bros Melee - Takes about a month to unlock every character and stage.
Super Smash Bros Brawl - Takes no effort to unlock every character and stage.

Almost all of the more recent Nintendo games are so much easier than the old ones, to make them more 'accessible' to casual gamers, who as we all now would die if they were ever tasked with finishing a game like Castlevania or Ninja Gaiden. I'm not saying we need to make new games insanely hard, but maybe give us something we can't do on our first try for once?

7) Stop porting games!

A lot of big releases nowadays are just ports of old games, and while that's ok, there's really no need to port a game that was on the Gamecube, for instance. Microsoft aren't re-releasing Xbox games for the 360, and there's a reason for that; nobody cares, re-releasing ports is pretty stupid.

You've alread given us the 'Virtual Console', and now you're re-releasing Chrono Trigger for the DS, Pikmin 1 + 2 for the Wii, and you've already ported Resident Evil 4. I feel like you're trying to bribe the 'core gamers' by saying "I know that we've been a bit shit lately, but here's something to hold up your complaints while we release another casual game and ignore your pleas for an actual game."

Ports can be pretty fun, but sooner or later, people will want to play new games!

6) Get some exclusives!

Nintendo's exclusives have gone so far downhill that if you take out Mario, Zelda, Metroid and Super Smash Bros, you're just left with a giant pile of games that are all 'Wii-something' and they're nowhere near good enough to compete with the 360's FPSs, and even Sony are picking up the pace with Metal Gear Solid 4.

What I'm saying is that Nintendo should spend some more money on some games that they can call exclusive. Remember Megaman? Back in the day, that was a huge franchise, and when Megaman 9 came out, I thought it could be Nintendo's saving grace, but no, they let it come out on PS3 and 360 too. They should have bought it's rights and made it exclusive, as they should be doing with other games.

There's no point in having a few good games if you don't make them exclusive, so Nintendo, take some of the money you've made from all your Wii sales, and pump out some exclusive titles that make the system worth owning.

5) Get new third-party game manufacturers

Go up to the people who made 'Zack and Wiki'. Give them a pat on the back and tell them 'Nice job, work on a sequel.' Then go up to the people who made 'No More Heroes'. Tell them 'Hey, great game, get working on some more.'

Then sit down and write a letter.
"Dear Third Party game makers for the Wii. I am hereby terminating all contracts with you, as you have done nothing but make repeated crap for my console. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must cut this letter short so that I can write a grovelling apology to Rare and hope that they'll come back to me."

4) Don't ignore your franchises

You've given us the 'essential' games for a console, like Zelda, Mario, and Super Smash Bros, but you're ruining the reputation of all your old franchises by refusing to make games with them. Starfox, F-Zero, Kirby, Kid Icarus, Viewtiful Joe, Yoshi, all of these have been ignored by you in the last few years that the Wii has been out. Right from the start, you knew that this is what we wanted, and you just haven't delivered.

Instead, you've tried new things, which is ok, but when you're screwing up, it's good to have a backup plan. You've given us 'new WiiMusic' which needs no comment, and a 'new Donkey Kong racing game' which blew chunks... isn't it about time you stuck to what made you good in the first place, like, I don't know... Castlevania?

Oh wait! You're doing a Castlevania, but it's a fighter game that nobody asked for! That wouldn't be so annoying to me, but coming soon on the Xbox 360 and PS3... A PROPER CASTLEVANIA GAME! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU NINTENDO? What message does it send out to the gamers who made you so big if you give us a shitty game that looks like a toned-down Soul Calibur, and then the two consoles that are your competition make a proper game! It's like you've given up all of the great games you used to be known for!!!
Stupid Nintendo...

3) Sort out your online play

Online play is worst on the Wii out of all 3 consoles. Even the DS is better than the Wii, and it's saying something if a handheld console can connect to the internet better than an entire console.

Yes, Brawl is the only online playable game where there's a noticeable lag, but in a game like Brawl, you really can't afford to be a few seconds behind. Ever.
Even when the online play is working, there's a bunch of shitty friend codes that you have to write down. No, wait, there's 2. One if they want to march in the Mii Parade (Oh, the joy!) and one if you actually want to play against them. There's nothing this badly set-up on the 360 or PS3. At least act as if you're trying to sort it out, rather than pretending there's nothing wrong with it.

2) We have enough casual games for now. Don't make more!

When I really hated the Wii about a year ago because of it's casual games, I realised something.

If the Wii had a large number of casual games, and a large number of 'core' games, then it would be one of the best consoles. The only reason people are complaining about casual games is because all the time spent making them could be spent on an actual... game, rather than an electric toy. So, if Nintendo got out enough good games, both the casual and core audiences would be pleased, and the Wii would make twice as much money. So in theory, the Wii could be perfect, I thought. It was just the simple matter of bringing out some more core games, and the Wii would have been perfect. Nothing could be simpler.

So why, a year later, has fuck-all changed? Brawl was preceded by years of hype, only for it to be a disappointment, while, apart from the launch titles, there haven't been many core games at all. All you needed to do Nintendo, was bring us a few more games for gamers and a few less games for the 'casual players' which roughly translates as 'People who have to have games spelled out for them because they couldn't find their ass with both hands'. It's not that I particularly despised casual games, but the onslaught of them is ridiculous, and frankly...

They have no purpose whatsoever.

Want to play tennis? Then go outside! Want to get fit? Take a walk! Want to make music? Learn to play an instrument! All of these are so much easier and cheaper to do than getting the Wii games. There should never be people who are so overwhelmingly lazy that they refuse to take part in anything that looks like sport or exercise, except in the comfort of their own home.
Seriously casual people, go outside. Life has waaaay better graphics than the Wii.

1) Shut up and listen to us

Believe it or not, I'm a Nintendo fan. It comes with the fact that I grew up playing Gameboy and GBA, giving me access to the NES and SNES style games, until I finally got an N64 and Gamecube and fell in love with Nintendo. So now, the reason I'm so desperately ranting about them is so that I know that there's a 0.0001% chance that someone from Nintendo might see this and take the suggestions, and the suggestions of Nintendo fans have been clear as day, yet Nintendo have ignored them.

If Nintendo took their head out of their asses and actually said to their Wii-owners, "Hey, what would you like to see on the Wii?" then the whole problem would be solved! "I'd like to see new Kid Icarus, Kirby, F-Zero, and some more hardcore games, maybe a decent RPG too like Pokemon."

Kapow! All of the game-related problems for the Wii would be gone! The hardcore gamers would have nothing more to complain about, and the Wii would be loved! That's why it's so infuriating when Nintendo are being pigheaded.

"No thanks guys, we know what we're doing..."

No, you don't! You've had 2 years of constant criticism and you've taken nothing from them! It's about time you stopped saying "We still care about core gamers, we don't want to seem like we're ignoring them."

THEN DON'T KEEP IGNORING US, MORONS!

Listen to us. You've had a decent run by yourself, the WiiMote is definitely innovative (EG, no more fun than a controller, but more expensive) but it's about time you just shut your smiling mouths and listened to us. Give us what we want, then we'll stop complaining. Nothing could be simpler, so just do it, ok?

Ranting aside, you probably disagree with almost everything I said, so feel free to flame me in the comments.

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000"