Yeah, I know this is late, but I was banned during E3 because I was my usual brash self. Plus I'm a master at procrastination/postponing things. Now if you're easily offended I suggest you leave this thread. Unlike "professional" "critics" I use the full range of scores from 0-10. I thought about using negative scores for a while, but that would just be petty and vindictive... And you know me, I'm not like that at all.
I'll be reviewing the games that were shown off at the Digital Event in chronological order.
The first game that was shown off was Star Fox 64 HD Star Fox Zero (Is Nintendo sending me a subliminal message with this subtitle?). The reveal of this game was actually done in a rather funny sketch involving Iwata, Miyamoto and Reggie in muppet form. The muppets were actually created by the Jim Henson company which was pretty cool. They should have gone with the better puppet show though: Dinosaurs. They missed a perfect trolling opportunity by turning this game into Star Fox: Adventures 2: the Dinosaur puppets would have been extra salt in the wound and I'd have loved to taste the unfathomable tears of sadness of Star Fox fans.
Factual representation of me watching Nintendo's E3 2015 Digital Event: gotta love me, I'm the baby.
Now onto the actual reviewing shall we. Where to begin? First of all, the game looked like it came from 2005. Not only did it look ugly, it made white Michael Jackson look good. The gameplay looked like a combination of a remake and a reboot. It's quite sad that Nintendo still doesn't dare to do something new with this franchise. How many times have they re-imagined the original Star Fox by now? There were never many enemies on the screen, the gamepad controls looked unnecessary, there will be no online multiplayer and the art design was awful, it looked like it was made by Platinum Games or something. Oh, and did I mention this is being made by Platinum Games? Because Nintendo sure as hell didn't during their Digital Event. I'm surprised they managed to waste 10 minutes on this.
My score? 3/10.
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After all the Star Fox talk Reggie said some mumbo-jumbo about transformation and Super Mario Makers. Still not sure what that was all about... Then he started talking about amiibo showing up in a totally unexpected way... Queue Skylanders: Superchargers talk. It was at this point of the Digital Event that I realized Nintendo had nothing worthwile to show off. Never the less Nintendo announced that Bowser and Donkey Kong would be playable characters in the latest Skylanders game. This is actually a great commercial deal between Nintendo and Activision, props where props are due. I looked at some of the Bowser footage at the Treehouse Live Event and the game looked pretty decent and Bowser had some amazing attack animations. Hate to say it... but this wasn't all that bad. If you like colourful beat 'em up games then give this a shot.
Reggie talking about Mumbo Jumbo. Hah, get it?
For the not so clever among us:
Mumbo Jumbo transforms Banjo into different animals in Banjo-Kazooie.
My score? 6/10.
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Their next announcement was The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes - an (online) multiplayer 2D Zelda game à la Four Swords Adventures. This game re-used many assets from A Link Between Worlds, but what really surprised me was how this game looked even worse than that game. Yeah, this is a cheap budget title... But it's still a game that is true to the Zelda franchise. The main gimmick this time? The totem pole mechanic... Yeah, not nearly as cool as being able to turn into a painting. This game was just...
Jokes on you, purple Link isn't even in this game!
My score? 5/10.
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Then they showed off Hyrule Warriors Legend, a game that was leaked before their Digital Event. A watered down port of an already bad game? What's not to dislike? I'm surprised this game looked decent on the graphics front because the Wii U game was ugly. Two new characters were announced: Tetra (who is totally not Zelda by the way) and the Red King of Lions. The only way to get those characters in the Wii U version of the game is to buy the 3DS port (for now), those dastardly devils. ;) But seriously, this port makes a lot of sense from a commercial perspective and it's being handled by a third party studio.
My score? 5/10.
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Now comes the game announcement you've all been waiting for! A new Metroid Prime game! Where you play as chibi-Galactic Federation soldiers... in multiplayer-focused missions that have nothing to do with the Metroid style of gameplay. Oh and there was also some lame rip-off of Rocket League in this game. This game should have been called Metroid: Blast Balls because they sure blasted my balls with this announcement.
On the left is a normal testicle. On the right is one that has been blasted with Metroid Prime: Federation Force. The latter has reduced sperm count, which is why researchers at the University of North Carolina think that they may have discovered an effective male contraceptive:
They found that two, 15-minute doses of Metroid Prime: Federation Force "significantly reduced" the number of sperm-producing cells and sperm levels. [...]
Lead researcher Dr James Tsuruta said: "Further studies are required to determine how long the contraceptive effect lasts and if it is safe to use multiple times."
The team needs to ensure that the game produces a reversible effect, contraception not sterilisation, as well as investigate whether there would be cumulative damage from repeated doses.
My score?
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Next up was a new trailer of Fire Emblem: Fates... Where they forgot to mention that same-sex marriages are finally allowed... and that you can strip, touch and rub your characters... Oh and did I mention there's going to be sexual dialogue? Because Nintendo didn't. I'm in a good mood because they finally allowed same-sex marriages though.
A picture of my favorite Fire Emblem character
My score? 9/10.
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Then Nintendo decided to show us an awful J-POP trailer of Genei Ibun Roku #FE without any other information what so ever... I wasn't going to buy this game until I watched the Treehouse footage and damn... This game looks visually impressive and the gameplay, attack animations and depth of the combat blew me away! There's so much going on in this game, it was awesome. It has many elements of the Shin Megami Tensei, Persona and Fire Emblem franchises. There's a weapon pyramid system in the game, you have to discover the weakness of the mirages you battle against like in Shin Megami Tensei and you can build the relations between your group of characters to receive extra bonuses on the battlefield. And there are awesome dual attacks with funny animations. I'm totally hyped for this game while before I wanted it cancelled.
My score? 9/10.
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Next up was a trailer of Xenoblade Chronicles X without any further information besides a late December release date. Well, at least it's still coming in 2015, that's better than some people were thinking. What else can I say about a game that has already been released in Japan? Trailer looked cool though.
My score? I'm not scoring this one, sorry guys.
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After this they showed us some more footage of Animal Crossing: fashionista barbie design or whatever the fuck it's called. Look, I don't give a shit, you don't give a shit, no one gives a shit. It looks like cheap garbage.
My score? They already announced this game and showed nothing new. 0/10.
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Ah, here come's one of my favorite moments from Nintendo's Digital Event. Nintendo thought it wasn't enough to troll Metroid fans, they wanted to go after the Animal Crossing fans as well now. Everyone was getting hyped for a new Animal Crossing Wii U game, but then they showed us some boring board game that uses amiibo to play. I've got to say, this was a premiere for one big reason: this is the first time that the quality of the amiibo was higher than the actual game. Nintendo also forgot to mention that this is a free-to-play game that requires expensive amiibo or cheap amiibo cards. You just know Nintendo was rubbing the salt in the wounds of their fans during the Digital Event.
This is the Honey Badger... No good sir, that is Nintendo! Nintendo really doesn't give a shit! Eww, what's that in its mouth? Oh it's an Animal Crossing fan.
My score: 0/10.
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Now they finally decided to show us a good game, Yoshi's Woolly World. Instead of showing us more footage of the game they decided to show us a hot chick talking about knitting yarn yoshis... I may or may not have masturbated during this segment.
My score: not rating this one
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Next up was Level-5's announcement that Yo-kai Watch will hit the US in 2015! Great news because they led everyone to believe it was only coming out in 2016. Too bad us European peasants only get the game in 2016... Hey Japan, it wasn't Europe who threw two atomic bombs on your country you know! It were the Americans chickens and cows!
Take it from me, I have a Master Degree in History, I cannot tell a lie. My quote by the way.
My score: 8/10.
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Here was a game nobody but me expected: a new Mario & Luigi rpg. The main gimmick this time was Paper Mario! It's my understanding that Nintendo chose to use Paper Mario as a central gimmick to rub salt in the wounds of Paper Mario fans who wanted to see a full fletched Paper Mario RPG on the Wii U. This game looked good, it re-used a lot of the assets of Mario & Luigi Dream Team and Paper Mario: Schutzstaffel. Not going to complain about that, that's just efficient development.
My score: 8/10.
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Now came the Mario sports game we all had asked for: Super Mario Strikers Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash. Yay, a tennis game! The only new thing they seemed to have added was being able to turn gigantic after consuming a shroom. I also always think I have a big dick after eating shrooms. It has Mario in it, the graphics were good and I'm sure I saw Toad peaking under Peach's dress when she turned gigantic. What does this mean?
A 3/10. That's what.
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After boring us with tennis they decided to bore us some more with Super Mario Maker. I personally don't care about 2D Mario games as the levels are too artificial and the graphics are shit. But I know a lot of people will enjoy this. The level editor has a lot more depth than I thought and it has 100 pre-made levels on the disk (which Nintendo obviously did not announce during their Digital Event).
My score: 5/10. Sorry but this shit went on for way too long. Cool game though.
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Everyone knows you need to end E3 with a big bang. Everyone but Nintendo that is... They decided to troll us some more with fan made Mario music videos. Like what the fuck.
0/10.
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Now there was one amazing game Nintendo decided to not show off at E3 and that was Fast Racing Neo. This is a futuristic racing game with amazing graphics, 60 fps, 16 tracks, 4-player local multiplayer and online multiplayer. And guess what? It was made by only 6 guys! And it looked better than pretty much every Nintendo game shown off at the Digital Event! You know what Nintendo should have done? They should have given the game a retail version that costs $40. People who buy the retail version over the cheaper digital version get 4 extra tracks based on F-Zero with awesome F-Zero music and the Blue Falcon car with a beatiful HD 3D render of Captain Falcon on the select screen of the cars. Captain Falcon would be plastered all over the box art of the game, but it would still be called Fast Racing Neo and it would have a text bubble saying "F-Zero DLC included". People who bought the digital version could later buy the F-Zero version for a fee. This way everyone is happy!
My score: 9/10.
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Here comes the big moment you have been waiting for: my overall score of Nintendo's Digital Event is... Ehh, calculate the average score yourself you lazy bastard! I already wasted enough time writing a thread no one has the attention span to read.
