Hey guys (and girls),

As I always tend to do, I'm coming to you to see what kind of input you can provide on a situation I'm in. My girlfriend of 8 months (including the beginning dating) just broke up with me (on Tuesday).

Now, I'll go all the way back to the start of our relationship. I met this girl because we worked together. She had been dating a kid she went to high school with for 3 years, but things had been going downhill in that relationship. She ultimately dumped him, because things weren't working out (and she will insist until the death it had nothing to do with me). Approximately 2 weeks later, we started hanging out. A big part of me said that it was a mistake, because she never really had time to get over her ex (or any of her past relationships really, she hadn't been single for longer than about a month since she was 14-15 years old), but I was moving almost 2 hours away soon after, so I figured my chance was then or never. Things evolved relatively quickly, and I did ask her to be my girlfriend after only about a month. She initially said no, and that she just wanted to take some time, because she was just out of such a long relationship. I understood, and eventually, the answer did become a yes.

Even after I moved away, we still saw each other very frequently, and things were absolutely great. We had so many differences, but we synced extremely well, and I really appreciated being with a girl who had a different look at life than me. After about 6 months, we temporarily moved in with each other. I know it sounds weird, but I needed to be back in my hometown for the Summer until I moved back to the cities, and she said I could stay with her. We knew it wasn't permanent, but it was still a pretty big step (and pretty early for it). Things were going absolutely amazingly, I made her happier than she has ever been in her life, she made me incredibly happy, we both told each other we loved each other, the physical aspect was very good. We never, ever argued.

But, about a month ago, I started noticing that she wasn't letting me kiss her on the lips as much (and instead guiding me to her cheeks), and that she wasn't saying I love you too back on the phone. Just little things. Now, on Tuesday, I got to see her for the first time in 5 days because I was stuck in the cities for a test, and the first thing I wanted was a kiss. She would not let me have it though. So after asking her about 20 times what was wrong and it was clear there was something wrong, we had a long discussion.

She started it with: She has just been thinking that this might not be what she wants right now, etc. It isn't me, it is her (I responded promptly to that and said please don't say things like that, as many women use stuff like that and truly don't mean it). She then went on to say that she has a LOT of stuff in her life that she needs to figure out, and she thinks it is best if she is single to figure that stuff out. She wants to make a lot more friends (she really struggles to do that while in a relationship because she feels obligated to hang out with only me), she needs to figure out what she wants to even go to school for, she really doesn't even know how she wants her life to evolve in the next few years, and she needs to figure out how to be by herself (even while dating, when she was by herself, she would really struggle to have any push to do things during the day). She then even said it was absolutely clear that I loved her more than she loved me in this relationship. She also said that she isn't ready to "settle" yet, and doesn't know if she will be in a year or 5 years, etc.

I was a bit surprised that she didn't want to do these things with me, but I think she was very surprised with my understanding of what she was saying. She DOES have a lot of stuff she needs to figure out before she advances her love life any further. I will be the first to admit that. And a part of that really scared me about the relationship, because it was hard to see how we wouldn't have a gap. I think she expected a bit more of a fight, but I told her that it has nothing to do with me giving up, but fighting to still date her would just not be respecting her wishes to be able to accomplish those things while single.

That being the case, she informed me that she still wants to be really good friends, but doesn't want the physical or emotional part of a relationship involved (I feel like I heard the exact same thing from my last ex). She said that we could still live together for the rest of the month because otherwise I was a little bit shit out of luck.

I had a hard time coming up with what I wanted to say, but one of the first things was, I thought that I really really made her happy, and that we had something amazing together, to which she responded that we did. I also told her I do not believe living with her is a good idea after a breakup, to which she got really sad. I know from past experience that often in a breakup, women try to part ways physically and emotionally as much as possible without actually altering their life too much, and that can mean they still hang out with you a lot, etc, because even as friends, you will still make them happy.

I told her that I don't know if being friends will work. I said it could take me a day, it could take me 3 weeks, it could take me a year before I am willing to accept that. She got kind of sad at me for that, but I told her I don't know when I will be able to see her and not cry and be super sad about it.

Fast forward 2 days later, and against all of my friends advice, I decided to see her (it was more to get some more of my stuff out of her apartment), but I also wanted to have another serious talk with her. We discussed what it would mean for us to be friends, and I told her why that would be so hard for me. I told her how it is incredibly hard to go from being physical with a woman to immediately just being their friend. Regardless of that, however, I told her it is something I really do want to happen. We also discussed the idea of going back a few steps, and simply casually dating. I said in many ways, it will allow the same freedom hanging out as friends will allow. She didn't think that it would work though, she thinks that we have a tendency to want things to be too serious, and right now, just isn't the right step for us. I also asked her, and said I need a very serious answer on whether or not she honestly ever sees us trying dating out again once she has figured some things out. I told her that even though she may have not had certain feelings, if she truly didn't want anything to do with a committed relationship, you can to a degree limit your brain from wanting to have those feelings, because you don't want it to result in you being somewhere you don't want to be.

She flat out (and I believe honestly) said that yes, she could see us dating again in the future, but she doesn't know if that would be in a year, or 5 years, or maybe never, and doesn't know what may be in between in (potentially other guys, etc.).

I told her a few things regarding this. I said that regarding other guys, I can't control if she does date other people, but said I would have a very hard time continuing a friendship if she starts dating another guy in 6 months, because much of what she told me was nothing more than a lie then. She understood, and said that that will not happen. I also told her that I think I would really struggle with the idea of getting back with her after she has had several other men in between. I said I think if it was to ever work again between us, I think it would have to just be a break, and then we get back together, but that you never know.

What ultimately happened is we more or less agreed to be friends, and that we will not be casually dating, but I told her that in 3-4 months, we WILL go back to the discussion of casually dating. It would be a little easier for us to deal with it then because I will be living an hour away, working full time, and she will likely be going to school again. I said that this step does not have to go fast, and that we can casually date for quite a while where I would still be comfortable with it. She seemed to like that idea. I know that it would be easier for us to keep it at this level because we will both be busy enough that seeing each other every other week will be pretty much the extent of what we do.

Basically, I'm kinda just asking if you guys think this could honestly result in us ever dating again. I have huge doubts and think that even if we talked every 3-4 months about going back to dating, it will always just result in a "I don't think that is the best idea" response. I think what she ultimately realized (and I really really really struggle with this concept) is that even though I made her happier than anybody ever has, she isn't so sure I am a guy she wants to spend a lifetime with. A big part of why I struggle with this idea is because when I ultimately become best friends with my girlfriend while dating, I see it as an amazing opportunity to spend as much time as possible with that person, knowing that you always get along and make each other happy. If we were arguing all the time and it wasn't working out as a couple, it would make more sense, but that simply wasn't at all the case.

Nope no chance at all.. to be honest.. she probably cheated on you and you're on a tiny string now she controls.. cut it.. do it..

BTW was she ok with it if you dated in the meantime?

Depends on how honestly you assess her need to work things out. The part where you say she hasn't been single for more than two weeks since she was 14 is what raises alarm bells. I have no experience in women myself other than secondhand, but i have observed through high school and college these girls who seem to need to be perpetually romantically involved. She could be reaching an epoch of greater maturity, or not. That seems to be the crux of the question is whether you can really trust her not to have someone new in the next six weeks.

She is not stopping me from dating other people, no. If she was, I would just see it as her juggling me around until she can determine if she wants me or not, and I would part ways with her immediately.

Relative to her issues, I strongly do feel she needs to figure that stuff out. Now, does that mean she actually will? That is something that I really don't know. I have a very hard time seeing her as being single for 6 months, even if she believes that is her intention right now. I hope that she is able to give herself time to figure things out, even if it means we never do date again, but I really don't know. But she is very clear on the fact that if she is completely unable to do that, our friendship won't work (and she was very insistent when I was saying this it has nothing to do with another guy).

That does seem a bit weird and sounds like an excuse to me, but maybe it isn't, like you say. I think the moral of the story here is that I will never understand girls.

*lights the Trashleg-signal*


Also.. taking a step back in a relationship never ever works.. one of you is bound to take a step forward without the other.. and the way it sounds to me she'll be the one leaving you in the dust.. alone.. probably in the cold rain..

Keep in mind I also told her through the breakup that I may have gone too fast for myself as well, and I don't know if I am even ready enough for that serious of a relationship. I'm currently advancing to the next stage of my life. I just graduated college, I'm working on taking the CPA exams, I start a job full time in October, I am permanently moving an hour away from where I grew up in less than a month. While many of these things are fine, we both agreed that our relationship was hindering my ability to properly study for the CPA exam, which, as crazy as it sounds, I actually felt was more important to me and my life (right now) than my relationship with her. I felt terrible about it, because I always felt like I should be spending time with her, but passing this exam is something that can alter my whole entire life, and it really means a ton to me.

To be completely honest (I don't know that she sees it this way), I actually see myself finding a girlfriend through my new job quicker than she finds a new boyfriend. I straight up told her I'm not holding myself open just to wait for the potential to date her again. I've got a few months here where I really don't want to date anybody, but after that, I'm wide open to start up again.

Maybe she wants something different. I don't know. It's also relatively easy to fake happiness, just something to keep in mind.