Hey Guys, I Am Writing An Essay For College, How Do You Like What I Have Written So Far?

Ok You Guys, I Realized I Really Didn't Give You Any Information On My Essay I Am Doing An Essay On Violence In Todays Youth.. Here Is My Thesis: 

Researchers seem to have narrowed down violence among youth to a few factors. Among them being violence in the media, single-parent homes, or even state sanctioned executions.

And Here Is The Second Paragraph (Haven't Written An Intro Yet; The Thesis Is Going To Be The Last Sentence Of The Intro):

The media has been targeted for the corruption of our youth for quite some time now; but what type of effect, specifically, does it have? Many researchers accept that violent imagery in the media cause in increase in aggressive behavior. Bruce D. Bartholow of The Department of Psychological Sciences hypothesized that long term exposure to this violence could, "produce changes in brain activity associated with desensitization," (Bartholow 1) which could possibly lead to an increase in aggression. The brain activity that was focused on in his study, Bartholow, Bushman, & Sestir, was the P300 response which reflects the emotional content of an image. It was found that "subjects who reported playing a lot of violent video games showed a decrease in the amplitude of the P300 component of the ERP when viewing violent pictures... relative to subjects who reported relatively little exposure to violent video games." (Barthalow 1) It may or may not be true that there is a correlation between weaker P300 responses and actually committing violence. John Freeman, a psychologist from the University of Toronto notes, "we habituate to any kind of stimulus." While this may be true, this is only one contributing factor in the overall picture.

Needs To Be A Bit More Like This, if you don't want your teacher to boot you out for copy+paste from the internet.

My Teacher Doesn't Know That I Have A Habit Of Capitalizing Every Word, So She Isn't Going To Think I Copy Pasted From The Internet.

And I Am Pretty Sure Capitalizing Every Word Goes Against Some Sort Of Grammar Rule.

It sounds copy pasted though, and boring too.
Why don't you simply write your own opinion on the matter?

Wasn't there a study that said most video gamers are 30ish fat and depressed... those don't seem to be the people running around committing crimes.

Also the logic in your thesis doesn't follow unless there is a direct correlation between having a weaker P300 response and committing violence.

I wonder how it is to be a teacher nowadays having to question the authenticy of every student essay.

I'd become paranoid.

Well, I would like to turn it into a rant, but we have to have sources and all that shit. Also, it is a descriptive essay, so it is supposed to be boring I guess. It is in no way a persuasive essay.

@Slimebeast: Some students are lazy enough not to read what they are pasting, and pasting it with ads included.

My mum teaches maths and some programming at the uni, she's gotten pretty good at googling for code when the coments in the submitted code aren't enough to tell >_>

Well, I didn't show you guys my thesis. This is the first paragraph after the introduction. My topic is violence among the youth, and researchers like to point to the media, so I thought I would write about that first.

And yes, there is no correlation between a weak P300 response and committing violence because this study is supposed to show that it desensitizes youth to violence. What actually causes the violence is what I am going to write about later in the paper.

Thank you for your response though.

Here is a better essay paragraph:

While the Wii may soar above the heavens of console bliss, there is a war staged between the rival High Definition consoles. Microsoft and its big, green monster battle against the equally powerful behemoth of ages ago, Sony and its Playstation brand. But all too forgotten in this war of console elitism is the violence these wars and the games that are born from them cause - all too forgotten are the days where we rose up against the pixel on pixel violence we witnessed on the Super Nintendo and the Colecovision. We take nary a second to question Mario and his antics, and how he is single-handedly making koopas and goombas an endangered species. Our kids learn from a very young age that jumping on turtles is fun and exhilarating, a sad fact when I walk down the local river and see these innocent reptiles victimized for their place in video game lore. And when these kids grow older and put down their oversized and overstuffed Nintendo 64 controllers for a much more expensive gaming device, they begin to "shoot" and all things real and imaginary. Just last night when I visited my cousin, I could hear the cries of his parents. "My kid was shooting at Big Daddy!", my aunt would mutter to my good friend Robert Dole. "And now I'm not getting that alimony check. It's time to sue Take 2." Video game violence is a growing phenomenon, and we must act quickly to curb its deadly effects on children and teens at large. No dad, big or small, deserves to be shot because his child likes to grind his gears in all out war against a big and bad metal beast known simple as "REX". Big Brother is watching, and we must make sure what he sees is PG or below.