The 15 stupidest game types Wii invented
Unleashing innovation in hardcore abundance
Who would’ve thought in the years after the Wii unveiled its dual white wands that the system’s defining genre would become multiple genres? Don’t you dare call them cheap knock offs! They’re called “Party” games, mister! Why are they so prevalent? Well, because there’s so darned much potential to be mined from the Wii Remote, developers can’t keep focus on a single style of play and we don’t blame them.
Above: It’s not all bowling. Just mostly
Of course, this makes reviewing games all the harder (“Well, the monster truck handling sucks… but the backgammon rules!”) So, in lieu of review scores above a 6, we decided to honor the hard working publishers tirelessly cranking out innumerable compilations by listing all the unique modes the Wii had to invent just to meet the insatiable demand from the millions of people who’ve never heard of Samus Aran.
Sure, you may have seen glimmers of certain modes in years past, but it took the Wii and motion controls to perfect them to the profitable science we know today.
According to publicity shots, the Wii has gained an enormous female audience. To keep these fragile creatures from veering into first-person shooters, platformers, or any other genre that would scare them away from gaming altogether, developers channeled the excess estrogen into brave new frontiers.
Above: For the peppy gal with no imagination
The only thing women love more than cheerleading is their choice in pompom controller accessories. Am I right, ladies?!
Above: All the fun of male cheerleading without all the beatings
Above: Turn your spirit into song
Above: Like Bratz, but girly
Veterinary games are latest, greatest craze - and we’re not talking Pokemon potion here. Games based entirely around nursing an animal back to health are now as synonymous with Nintendo as Mario or K. K. Slider. So don’t be surprised when a giraffe with an earache makes it into the next Smash Bros.
Above: I CAN HAS OXYCOTEN PURSCRIPSHUNZ?
Above: Nurse, I need 50ccs of E1101, STAT!
Above: Underwater turtle tourniquets are for advanced players only
You wanna be a lumberjack, and that’s okay. The Wii has a game type for that! Many, in fact.
Above: Boss fight?
Above: Sleep all night, work for five seconds
Above: Get past the unorthodox hats, and you’ll see jackin’ at its finest
Above: Not to be confused with snoring
Above: Peep the pirate shivering the timbers
What? You want to go back to scrubbing steeds with an analog stick? That’s unnatural! Oh, you could go and wash a horse on the PS2, DS, or PC (Seriously, they’re available there too) but you’d be missing out on the all the spastic, battery-draining joy that can only come from small batons shrouded in bubble rubber.
Above: Face the wall you dirty, dirty horse!
Above: Trust is crucial to equestrian hygiene
Above: In the sequel you upgrade to a Civil Rights era, crowd control hose. This might sting
Above: See that icon on the right? You just missed the hosin’!
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Since the Industrial Revolution, man has looked upon the innovation of ore transportation and said, “Lemme ride in that thang!” You may think you’ve been doing this for years, but you’ve never done it quite so right until you’re balancing and pumping a controller.
Any idiot with legs can cut a rug stomping on a Pee Pee Pad. Even a paraplegic can krunk with four buttons. But it takes a true Lord of the Dance to bust a move pointing their palms in up to four directions.
Fact: No console has ever represented livestock better than the Wii. Farm life is easily associated with a billion menial tasks, so recreating the disappearing art of earning an honest living is a no-brainer for Wii. Furthermore, if you can think of a more suitable control scheme for forcibly extracting another animal’s breast milk, with two hands… we’d actually rather not hear about it.
When you’re sick and tired of watching those silly sheep strut around wearing a comforter that’s rightfully yours, you have less of a chance of being arrested if you funnel that aggression into an in-game shearing. Plus, there’s no better way to enact a mandatory haircut than with the safest clippers on the market - No guard required!
Someday in the future, historians will argue which came first: The jump rope or moving your arm in a circle in front of a sensor bar. Jump rope Wii games have become more prevalent than the analog equivalent, making it one of forty or so dirt cheap analog activities people will gladly pay $50 to perform with up to four friends in standard definition.
If we have one problem with animals, it’s that they don’t look like people. The Wii has amended this cruel slight from God by finally allowing us to dignify our domesticated companions with bibs, monocles and pastel sunhats to analog complete specification.
Thanks to Wii, Lawn Darts are enjoying a bit of a renaissance after nearly two decades of banned sale in the US. Okay… maybe the activity technically killed a couple of kids, but courageous developers have finally defied the enemies of fun and released several versions of the latest murder simulator.
It’s debatable whether or not gaming is to blame for current obesity epidemic, but no one can point a fat finger at digital food. Get ready to burn as many calories as repeatedly scooping handfuls of Cheetos from Costco bag to face… fake culinary delights are a flick of the wrist away!
Slow down there, Slick McWilly! For over three decades games have been stereotyped as interactive experiences requiring skill and reflexes. Thank goodness we’re finally getting with the times. So, while a large portion of Wii games do focus on dragging fish from water while performing the Arsenio Hall cheer, others boldly let you relax and get your look on.
Plenty of peripherals have allowed you to control games with your legs. Unfortunately, it’s usually a snowboard, skateboard, or some other “game-like” purpose. Luckily, Wii Balance Board was designed expressly for leaning’s sake. No ollies, no powder carving - just pure old fashioned body slanting represented on screen.
Without a doubt, Bowling is the most popular thing Wii’s got going. However, in a very close second, you’ll find the ever-growing pastime of Not Bowling. Oh, Skee Ball and Bocce may look like bowling, employ the same control scheme, and involve “bowling” a ball, but the differences are many and vast.
Fact: Bocce is slower than bowling... so there. And you don’t get tickets redeemable for slide whistles and paper hats from bowling, do ya stupid? It really is unfortunate not every game can be bowling, but at least that doesn’t stop developers from trying.
http://www.gamesradar.com/f/the-15-stupidest-game-types-wii-invented/a-200904179578770084/p-3 |
