Lets start with Sonic for now.
the -minus world on July 23rd, 2008
Sega proves again that their genius has no rival. The cover of the September issue of Nintendo Power has unveiled “Sonic & The Black Knight.” The biggest next-gen/black comedy crossover in history has arrived! How many more of these games can we take before Sega hires a new marketing team? I’ll tell you how many: 5 of them after the jump.
I’ve really had it with this franchise. It’s like the marketing team’s trying to tell their bosses that they’re grossly underpaid. Hey, Sega, won’t you please give marketing that bonus you promised this year? I know you feel like they don’t deserve it, but at this point they’re just acting out and you need to give the baby its bottle. Remember that year you told them they were no longer getting paid holidays? Yeah, that’s where Knuckles the Echidna came from. Maybe if the stubborn marketing department gives Sonic enough terrible ideas, Sega will fold and they’ll get back their parking spaces. We feel for you marketers, we really do, so here’s some bad ideas of our own. Use them to help make your point and get back your dental.
Sonic Death
Do you remember Alex Kidd? Ecco the Dolphin? Vectorman? That guy from Altered Beast? If you’re a long-time Sega fan, the answer is a resounding “yes!” But have you ever wondered what exactly happened to those nostalgia-inducing franchises? Sonic Death will answer that question. Featuring Sonic the Hedgehog and his cadre of colorful co-stars, this new title would delve into the reason behind the death of all those series: A bloody battle between Sega’s most memorable mascots, where only the strong survive. Think Best of the Best, but with cute anthropomorphic creatures (just don’t scream “Pop it, Tommy!” at Big the Cat).
Die-hard Sega fanboys would lap this up like it was Sonic blue kool-aid (hold the arsenic). It will also answer the burning question of how Sonic could have lasted this long as a relevant video game character; we know it isn’t because he’s in good games. Sonic has survived at the expense of other gaming icons. He’s spilled their blood on the desolate stretches of Lava Reef Zone, painted the glittery edifices of Casino Night Zone crimson. This game will show us a side of Sonic we’ve never seen before.
Sonic Rehab
The grittiest Sonic game ever would begin with the venerable hedgehog in the big house! That’s right – the video game industry’s shining beacon of morality has fallen from grace and been incarcerated within Warden Robotnik’s maximum security prison at the Scrap Brain zone after getting hooked on Speed (the irony of which would be lost on no one). Follow Sonic as he battles angry, underpaid robotic guards, holds on to the soap in the shower, and battles his personal demons to find God and renounce his sordid lifestyle.
This would be a truly mature take on the usually squeaky clean Sonic. If Sega could drag their biggest mascot through the mud, have him face real-life issues like drug abuse, and eventually redeem himself by doing volunteer work for D.A.R.E., they could possibly spark a cultural revolution amongst wayward adolescents and disillusioned druggies and help turn them into respectable members of society. Or a bunch of gamers may get turned on to Speed and try to reenact the game’s vicious shower scene attack led by a mob of robot ladybugs.
Sonic Soccer
Sonic hits the soccer field with his signature speed and style in this arcade sports game. The blue blur reinvents the world’s most popular sport by becoming the soccer ball, zooming around with reckless abandon as the players attempt to score goals by kicking him into their opponent’s net. Never has soccer been so frantic – or fun!
Players can choose to be Sonic and race across the field, or simply pick from the full roster of international soccer teams to settle decades-old rivalries. But be careful – getting hit by Sonic results in your team losing valuable gold rings, weakening their defensive and offensive capabilities and potentially leading to massive bloodshed and severe connective tissue damage. Pelé won’t be too useful after Sonic tears through his knee like it was a robotic crab!
Sonic Speed Datin’
You can’t say “Sonic the Hedgehog” without thinking blinding speed, which is why Sega has decided to drop their mascot into the growing trend of speed dating. If you thought you were good at getting to know a perfect stranger in 60 seconds and subsequently being forgotten 60 seconds later when they meet someone better looking and funnier, wait until you see Sonic! The little speed demon will run through his mini-dates in record time, though his quickness definitely won’t be appreciated later on in the night after taking a date home to his swank pad in Green Hill Zone. Let’s just say Sonic is quick in every regard.
Leave it to Sega to tap into the casual gaming market with this new title. Appealing to new gamers and lonely long-time Sonic fan-fiction/hentai creators, this game has either “mass market success” or “giant bomb of fail” written all over it. However, dating sims have always been big in Japan, so expect Sega’s quirky new game to at least round the bases with their Japanese fanbase.
Sonic PETZ!
Sega takes a page out of Ubisoft’s flimsy book of quick cash-in ideas with their own colorful spin on the pet-raising sim genre. Instead of raising those annoying Chao creatures, Sonic-philes will have the opportunity to raise their very own hedgehog. If you thought catz and dogz were extreme, this game will knock your Knuckles socks right off!
This is the game Nintendo had in mind after they collectively dropped enough acid to stretch across a Kyoto street and came up with the DS. The innovation allowed by their unique handheld would allow Sega to include unprecedented pet-raising immersion. Using the stylus and touch screen, players could easily feed their faux-Sonic, give it water, clean up its shit-covered cage, and pull quills out of their hand after stupidly trying to pet their spiny mammalian friend.
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