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How to make the perfect game for today's testosterone infused teenage males.
Game publishers know that the "mentally 12 to 15" demographic is a source of revenue that's growing by the minute; you only have to look at the increase in professional wrestling popularity and backwoods ATV accidents to know that this information is indeed true. And it goes without saying that video games are a vital way to tap into the minds and wallets of these man-children.
However, this is easier said than done, as one present emotion, hint of subtlety, or moment of silence can spell doom for any game that falls within the dominion of the hyper-masculine. But the industry needn't fear; through hours of research, study, push-up contests, and pounding discount beers on the frat house porches, we've created what can only be called a field guide for the hyper-masculine game -- perfect for spotting one in the wild, or using the contained information to manipulate hundreds of thousands of consumers into a possible purchase. Whatever the case, we are in no way responsible for any upcoming glut of games with the words "extreme" or "hemorrhage" in their titles.
The Protagonist
The hero of any hyper-masculine game must be completely covered in something to mask his inner torment of not being able to kick nearly enough ass per minute. We recommend some sort of armor, scars, or gristle -- just as long as there is some apparent bulging of various muscles beneath this war-worn outer shell. But no matter how much the trials of life have sanded and flame-broiled your hero, his emotions should be limited to anger, or perhaps hunger if you get that coveted fast food sponsorship and double-cheeseburgers somehow equal invincibility (we'll leave that logic to you). Said feelings can best be expressed through well-crafted dialogue such as "Time to lock and load!" or even that old chestnut "GRAAAAAAAAAH!"
Most of this dialogue will be spoken to no one, because, like our modern Die Hards, the main character is a one-man army who lacks the social skills necessary for time-wasters like friendship. But if you find it necessary to include a second player in your game, this character should be no more complex than the hero, outside of a slight change in clothing and/or skin color. And so this sidekick doesn't feel completely out-of-place, give him a very intimate, completely non-ironic relationship with the hero that can in no way be misinterpreted by people who have a passing familiarity with subtext.
Note to Japanese game developers: Due to cultural differences, most of the above applies, but your skewed take on masculinity requires all protagonists to be whisper-thin and draped in diaphanous fabrics. But you probably already knew that.
Women
If women must be present in your game, their roles must be relegated to either A.) prizes or B.) half-naked loading screen distractions. Under no circumstances should in-game females be allowed to show any sense of autonomy; at best, they are either cargo or objects dangling over dangers which can be snatched, time permitting. However, if you decide to take a different route, making a woman your protagonist obviously comes with many difficulties, most of which involve constantly telling the press that your game is actually taking a feminist stance by showing that a fictional, genetically perfect woman can find empowerment by donning a ripped halter top and cutoff jean shorts. That being said, any game with a female lead must reward the player for their achievements by unlocking a selection of dehumanizing special costumes that should really only be equipped when mom leaves the house.
Should you decide to give your male hero a girlfriend or harem, be warned that the American public takes kindly to depictions of consensual sex in everything but video games. To work around this issue, simply imply that the protagonist is constantly having sex whenever he's not onscreen. Poor programmers, take note: this can be exacerbated through the use of constant and interminable loading screens.
Weapons
It goes without saying that all in-game weapons should come equipped with both ammunition and a certain degree of ludicrousness. Many developers fall for the novelty of replicating real-life weapons in their games; little do they know that, in America, semi-automatic weapons are typical door prizes at gun shows and as common as the household toaster. Our advice? Think big; think impractical. Look at the examples below, created with just five minutes of brainstorming:
- - A machine gun that fires a torrent of deadly bees
- - A mace studded with many loaded revolvers instead of the usual, boring spikes
- - A cannon that launches a constant supply of Batmen
- - A spear with a helicopter on each end
- - A beautiful woman with a deadly secret (she has a gun)
If you're at a loss for ideas, there's no shame in reaching back to the doodles of your troubled childhood for inspiration. Without this method, the world would be without creations such as Devil May Cry 3's ice nunchucks and the guitar that fires electric bats. Don't try to imagine what that would be like.
Story
Not necessary.
We kid. All of the wanton carnage and objectification has to be hanging on something, right? We recommend thinking up a story as the last part of your game-making process, but if you decide to take a more holistic approach, you have many options. First, think of an answer to this question: what would make my protagonist travel through a fire level, an ice level, and several miles worth of sewer? Perhaps some great Sewer Lord is extending his reign beyond the boundaries set by society, possibly taking over several mine cart tracks as well? Or maybe there have been monster outbreaks in many environments specially designed to show off an expensive physics engine (no need to explain all of those natural see-saws made out of rock). Whatever your choice, the story should justify the level design choices you've made, or at least provide enough material for several novels one literary step above the old Worlds of Power series.
Once the above elements are in place, congratulations: you have a million-seller on your hands. And while you're now entitled to a lifetime of guilt and sleepless nights, there's no need to worry; all of that money you've made can buy some very powerful sedatives.
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Not that I don't enjoy the occaisional testosterone-drenched gorefest myself, but this here is some grade 'A' lampooning.
"The worst part about these reviews is they are [subjective]--and their scores often depend on how drunk you got the media at a Street Fighter event." — Mona Hamilton, Capcom Senior VP of Marketing
*Image indefinitely borrowed from BrainBoxLtd without his consent.
Leatherhat on July 6th, 2012 3pm. Vita sales:"3 mil for COD 2 mil for AC. Maybe more. " thehusbo on July 6th, 2012 5pm. Vita sales:"5 mil for COD 2.2 mil for AC."
