Tell me what you think of this.
Sonic the Hedgehog sucks. It sucks beyond imagination. It sucks so fucking much, it would make a black hole explode. This shameful disgrace, is a monstrous pile of moldy, partially undigested, diarrhea, roasting in the hot sun, bubbling out of the asshole of a dead hippopotamus. Now, you may have played a lot of bad Sonic games, but unless you've actually played this one, you'll never understand how bad it really is. I mean, it's the king of bad Sonic games. You don't get any shittier than this. This is it. Once you're at this level, the outer edges of the Universe, wont expand any further, to allow more shit in.
Now, let me address the first problem. Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog. Why the fuck do they all have the same name? It's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Now, it's understandable, with these two, because they're remotely similar, and they came out, only months apart from each other. Sure, it still doesn't make sense, because they're still, different games, but really, it's no big deal. The games are fun, they're pure Sonic magic, and that's what matters most.
But as for this game, it's bad enough that it exists, but it should never have been named after these two classics. IT came out, over fifteen years later, it resembles absolutely nothing, of a Sonic game, and it's so bad, now I don't like any Sonic game. So there is absolutely no reason for it, to have the same name. That's like making an incredibly shitty Mario game, then naming it Super Mario Bros. I mean, what an insult.
Now, before you can play most of the levels, you need to jump through the corresponding portals, scattered throughout the hub world, and that's exactly what the next problem is. Why do hub worlds need to exist? Who thought they would be a good idea? I mean, are they supposed to be fun? They're extremely annoying, because they constantly interrupt the levels. Nobody wants to revisit the same place, over and over again. It gets boring after a while. Also, all the time put towards making a hub world, could have been spent, making the levels better, and refining other aspects of the game. Now, what ever happened to playing levels consecutively?
Remember the classic Sonic games, on the Genesis? You played the levels, one, directly after another, and it was non-stop fun back then, because there were no hub worlds. But even that, had its problems, because when you got Game Over, you had to start at the very beginning. So the best option, is to play the levels, by selecting them from a menu. You don't get any more convenient than that, unless half of them are locked. That always sky rockets the shit into outer space.
Anyways, about the hub worlds. Whether it be a 2D game, or a 3D game, hub worlds, are nothing but a waste of time. Now, I don't mind the Mario ones, though. They can be fun to traverse, and they all look nice. Especially Peach's Castle, in Super Mario 64. The first time, running through, was pure Mario magic, and revisiting it, now and then, is a nostalgic paradise. But even it, gets boring after a while. They'd all be fine, if you didn't have to revisit them, after every level. Now, let me show you what a Sonic hub world should look like.
This is Sonic Jam, and you get to traverse through this 3D world. Believe it or not, this is the first, true 3D Sonic world. Too bad Sonic Xtreme was cancelled. That still upsets me, even today. Anyways, this feels like Sonic, doesn't it? It has that Sonic vibe, right? Definitely. I mean, you almost, don't get any more Sonic than this. Everything belongs. The classic, checkered ground. The Sonic-inspired music. I don't know what this spinning thing is, but it belongs. Even the clouds, retain that Sonic atmosphere. And look at the way the camera focuses on Sonic, when he jumps on a spring, into the bright, blue sky. Even that's grand. The entire world, is a dream. The way Sega presented Sonic in the past, is magic. Now, my only questions is, how did we get from this.
To this? Do you feel like you're playing a Sonic game? No. Not even close. Absolutely nothing in this town, is reminiscent of Sonic. I find it extremely hard to believe, that this is actually a Sonic game. None of this belongs in the Sonic Universe. No. All of this belongs in the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. I mean, look how ugly it is. It's a hideous monstrosity. Sonic Adventure looks nicer than this, and how old is that game? Even pong looks nicer than this. The music matches, and that's why it sucks. It's not Sonic music. One more thing. Think Mario, for a moment. Yeah, it's a bad copy of Delfino Plaza, from Super Mario Sunshine. Look, even the portals, preview the levels. The only difference is that Delfino Plaza looks a million times nicer, and can actually be fun to traverse, like I mentioned about all the Mario hub worlds. I mean, this is not only an insult to Sonic, but it's also an insult to Mario, at the same time.
Now, I don't even want to play the damn levels, so there's nothing to motivate me, to continue, navigating through this shit palace. I mean, what's the point if the levels suck, anyways, right? It's like watching overly long commercials, in between a terrible movie. Eventually, you'll probably switch channels, or turn off the T.V. And let me tell you. I'm more focused on the power button, of the Playstation 3, than this horrible waste. It's really, that bad. I mean, I'm always getting lost, having no idea what to do, or where to go, because everything looks exactly the same, and it's just, way too massive. It's nothing like the Mario hub worlds. I mean, those ones only got boring, after a while. This one doesn't. No. This one gets boring, the second you step into it. It's the biggest waste of time in the Universe. Towns, and cities, should only be levels, as long as they retain that Sonic atmosphere.
There is nothing more out of place, than humans, in a Sonic game. They're more out of place, than a giant picture of mona lisa, at the Mushroom Kingdom, of Super Mario 64. They do not belong. Sonic games, are about running through mystical, dream-like, fantasy worlds. Not running through butt-ugly towns, full of butt-ugly humans. Now, because this isn't a Sonic game, it's Sonic, that doesn't belong here. Then again, this is Sonic. Not this. So in that case, the entire game, not, should not exist, but needed not to exist.
Is it possible for the town, to be any worse? Yes. You have to complete the dumbest missions imaginable. They're insulting to the human brain. Okay, in this one, you practically do nothing, and you win. That's it. Yeah, an incredible piece of shit.
Oh great, a loading screen. Look at the random instructions. They're simplified to the point where they don't make any sense. Why is it taking so long? This is ridiculous. What a load of bullshit.
Okay. The first level.
Remember when Sonic left footprints in the sand? Well now, he's decided not to.
The spin dash is practically useless. You can't jump midway to make a giant leap. Most of the time, I forget he even has it.
Look. These loops are nothing but cinematic level fillers, so put down your controller, and watch the fucking movie.
The game will not output force feedback, even if you are use a Dual Shock 3, but who's fault was that? Not Sega's.
Collecting all the rings, is impossibly legendary. Like, I'm pretty sure, there is absolutely no way, to get these rings, and it wouldn't be so impossible, if it wasn't for the stupid camera.
Also, that orca, is no bigger than the rest. How would Sonic even know? It's the first one he's seen. Why does he have to say the dumbest things? And he repeats himself, if you die, too, and it gets very irritating.
Look. He out runs this orca. Jumps on flying pieces of wood. And now, he's going to jump off that orca's fin, and continue running, right?
Well, the way everything was connecting together, you'd expect him to, but no. He ruins everything, by being a wussy. I mean, it would have been cheesy, anyways, but now, it's just a lame excuse to force you to play as Tails.
Like, what was he even doing, randomly standing by the edge of the dock, in the first place?
Look. They didn't even test this game out.
The camera doesn't work. Look. Obviously, foxes can't swim, right? They just fall into the water like rocks, minus the splash.
Look. I missed a ring. Let me go back for it. Another reason why you will not collect all the rings, because the controls are a mess. Like, landing a bowling ball, into a rubber band, on Earth, from outer space, would be easier. Look, I can't even get this one ring. Where is it? Oh, there it is. Crap. Fuck. Why does it have to be, so hard? Stupid ring. No. Fuck nozzle!
Now, of all the characters, Tails voice is the worst.
Yes, it's even worse than Slippy Toad, from Star Fox 64.
He can only attack, by throwing dummy rings.
Yeah, throw those dummy rings. It's so stupid.
Imagine in Galaxy, if Mario can only attack, by throwing dummy coins.
He just pulls them out of his ass. And look. He can't pick them back up.
The worst, is when you accidentally switch to first person mode. That really fucks you all up.
The entire concept doesn't make any sense, and why can't Tails fight, by using himself? He would have been awesomely deceiving too. But no. Of course not.
So I hit the damn switch.
Okay. Why is there even a gate here? Am I in a fucking aquarium? Now look at that. It doesn't even fully close. What a piece of shit. I mean, is the water supposed to be the ground? It should be useless. Why doesn't the orca, just swim underneath,
or go around? Look at it. How could it block the way?
He jumps away, before it, anyways, so what difference does it make, if it's closed, let alone, partially open?
If you don't hit the switch, you have to watch this. Fun, isn't it? It's one of the cheesiest cut scenes I've ever seen, and the orca, randomly, partially disappears. Why must I watch this? Am I supposed to be sad right now? If anything, I'd be happier if Sonic never came back.
Those mistakes, may not have been made, if you weren't forced to play as Tails. It's like, having to play as him, was more important, than making sense.
Instead, he should have been following me, as traditionally done so, in the past. It's like, even Tails can barely stand Sonic, which is why he now plays alone.
If he ran faster, from the beginning, he would have caught up by now.
What's wrong with this? This was a tradition. Did they have to ruin it too?
What a waste.
Now, why haven't I talked about the story?
Because it's a fucking encyclopedia, and it doesn't even make any sense. I mean, what's the point, if I just skip through it anyways?
One more level. The music is finally good.
But controlling Sonic, is like riding a broken unicycle, down a partially melted ice berg. This game bounces on kangaroo balls.
Look. Now I'm stuck. Come on, you blue ball of shit. Move. No. You're going the wrong way. Finally. No. No. No. Fuck.
Look. How was I supposed to avoid that small object? It came out of nowhere, and hit me in a fraction of a second. The collision detection is horrible. No. Don't go up. Oh, come on. It didn't even hit me.
Fuck.
I just want to get out of here. Look. There's the checkpoint. That must be the exit. This looks familiar. Oh, look. I just went around in a circle.
I just went around in a circle.
There's no shitty game, like this. I'm fucking serious.
I'd rather waste my time, taking pictures of every single Star in the Universe, develop them all, then play connect-the-dots with all the stars.
How hard would it have been, to follow the original formula? New concepts, could have worked, if they had Sonic's name, written on them.
Gravity, space, and spherical worlds, obviously not planets, had Mario's name written on them, and they worked.
Do yourself a favor, and don't play this shitty game. Don't even look at the case. Just run away. Run away as fast as you can.
Play some Galaxy instead!
Okay. The Characters. Sonic.
What happened to this? This is classic. This is an icon. This is Sonic.
What the hell did they do to him?
Shadow. Why does he drive a truck, when he can run much faster? It makes as much sense as Kirby, sucking up enemies, with a giant vacuum.
Silver. Yeah, there's another one now. Look at him. He looks like a fucking bird.
Three, giant, butt-ugly hedgehogs. Like these scribbled triangles, none of them combined, equal the real thing. That was bad.
Oh no, are you kidding me? A fourth hedgehog?
Okay. Elise. What a miserable fucking bitch. She raises the shit to the past the 20th floor in an elevator, up to the moon. She's the absolute worst video game character of all time. What is she even doing here? Why can't she just, go back to Final Fantasy where she came from?
Now, I dare you to watch this. Need I say more? It's like watching a nightmare. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?
Bottom line is, there's too many characters, and nobody wants to play as any of them. As for their voices.
Listening to a sick, constipated, rhinoceros, trying to take a diarrhea, would be more enjoyable.
Sonic, and Tails, were the only ones I've ever liked, back when they were still cool. But too bad they're now riding the shit train like everyone else.
Now, some parts are obviously not in place. For example, the character description will not be at the end. I don't know where it first in. I mean, I can't have it at the beginning. I'm supposed to be mad at the beginning, so I have to curse the game right away. Now, I can't have it after I put the game in the PS3, right? Because you'd expect to see the game play right away. So, I don't know. Anyways, I do not like it yet. It does not connect. Some parts, are too close to the AVGN, and I will need to change them. Anyways, some parts don't connect, and some parts are confusing. Let me know. The hardest part is the script. Believe me. Everything else is easier. I want it to be long, too. I don't want to keep cutting it down. It ruins it. Now, it needs to be professionally presentable, yet, retain all the jokes, and humor.
