Well for the first time ever, I have encountered death within the family, and no other than my favourite grandfather, who loved me like a son, and I loved him like a father. On one hand I find myself crying every now and then (In a manly way possible, trying to tank the tears), but then I find myself calming down again, but it just keep happening, because it did after all happen less than 24 hours ago.

Some backstory - I've spent most of my childhood with him, he taught me to read time, play chess, even probably had a hand in teaching me to read. He was there, and always supported me in the best way he could, also teaching me many other things that I now know in regards to the world.

However, despite my affection for him I also feel relief - because he was suffering from bad heart condition for the last 5/6 years now, with the last 3 having to take morphine almost constantly, his pain and suffering was that bad, by the end the doctors have cancelled the operation as they said it would be "useless" and weaned him off life support, one bit at the time, first the antibiotic, then the other machines such as the oxygen machine etc. I've had a skype call from him during the night, set up by my grandmother who showed me his condition, I was apalled. He could barely breath through his mouth and generally looked haunted - a shadow of his former self. He did wake up for a fraction of a minute or so, so I got a chance to tell him that I love him, and he'll alway be in my memory, but after that fell asleep again. When I woke up in the morning - he was gone.

I guess I've created this thread to vent my own frustrations that I am currently experiencing and to find out the way that other people found to cope with the death of a really loved relative, I've searched the internet and found this particular poem;

Do not stand at my grave and weep; 
I am not there. I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow. 
I am the diamond glints on snow. 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush 
I am the swift uplifting rush 
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry; 
I am not there. I did not die.

And find myself shedding man tears every time I try to read it  and think of him.

Also strangely listening to Evanescence & Woodkid seems appropriate in regards to the current situation that I find myself in.

I write this, because I don't think my friends could understand the extent of this loss as I know they have not experienced such heartbreaking episode yet.

P.S I know there are people who have experience even worse losses, and that makes me grateful for the years that we did spend together, but I haven't seen him in 8 years for a very stupid reason, and that is just what kills me inside completely.

Be strong. The only cures for this kind of grief are time and the love of your closest friends and relatives. And trying to be active, sports, work, study, hobbies, anything, it helps fighting depression. I lost my grandparents long time ago, the last was my favourite granny 11 years ago, but in the last two years I lost a lot of people I loved plus some I had known for many years, I lost my dad, some of his best friends that were also good friends of mine and knew me since I was born (one was my godfather at Confirmation), and even the girl I loved (not returned, I was just a friend for her) for five years from junior high to the second year of high school. I won't lie to you, it will be hard, for me the worst griefs were for my fav granny, my dad and that girl. If you feel depressed don't stay inactive, it could make things worse.

Well, first of all know that this may take awhile...some people take months to "finish" grieving, others take years. Also know that there is no "real" way to grieve...manly or otherwise. In other words, crying is ok. It's also ok to feel upset, angry or guilty...you've lost someone you loved.

Some things you can do is to talk about your grandfather with people who you're close to, who also knew him. Talking about things you liked about him, and things you maybe didn't quite like. Visit places that remind you of him, and remember the things that happened there.

It's important to not block out or repress these feelings and thoughts. Doing so is going to negatively affect your mental health in the coming months and years. If you ever feel like talking to someone, and can't find someone, you can always call a crisis line (http://www.depression-understood.org/information/ukcrisisline.htm) they're open 24 hours and, assuming that they are like the crisis lines here, they will have received training to deal with grief (as well as other crises you may experience in the near future...depression, suicide, etc).

I've lost many people throughout the years, and it's always been hard, especially since I'm not religious. There was actually a point in time where I started closing my heart off from the world, but a sweet young girl made sure that didn't happen.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It sucks, I know. =

i'll mourn your loss with my friend and fill free to talk to me anytime if need be.

continue to mourn, and stay strong. loved the poem.

I prefer this poem:

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.