I am the Buddha Maitreya. Do not worship me, I am neither man nor god, simply a Buddha.

Let's discuss my teachings.

I'm interested in your teachings, especially if there's any form of sex beer rituals involved.

Sex and beer are forbidden. They are part of desire, and you must desire nothing to reach nirvana.

I'm sooo glad your finally here.  I have a question.  I am trying to achieve complete enlightenment but I feel video games are slowing my progress.  Should I give video games to achieve my goals or should I find a way to do both?  I also notice that your an Italian plumber who smokes pot, so is pot alright?

Pot is alright. It is a natural herb. But, you must quit video games for total enlightenment.

what about cousin sex there must be an exeption to that...

Can women be enlightened? I remember you once said women can never be enlightened.

Are potatoes the fruit of the earth?

I said women can never be enlightened? I don't remember saying that.

Potatoes are not fruit.

Wise Buddha, my every movement brings about death.  Brushing my teeth kills bacteria.  My every step kills an insect.  The food I eat is the result of a plant or an animal that has died for my nourishment.  I strangle hookers, too.  Is it wrong for me to live at the cost of so many?  Also, where are the secret Gold Coins in world 8-3 of New Super Mario Bros. Wii?

You're doing those bacteria and insects a favor by killing them. It allows them to reincarnate into a higher life forms. Eating plants and animals for food is alright, as long as you eat only as much as you need. Strangling hookers is bad karma unless they're fine with it. It is not wrong for you to live at the cost of so many, it's all part of the cycle of reincarnation. I forget where the coins are, it's been so long since I got all the coins on that game.