You need a hook, an opening sentence that will grab the readers attention

I agree with ODC. What you've written really sounds like it would be better set as a Thesis statement, and not as an opener. In high school (which is where you're at, right) it is highly encouraged to write some wildly grandiose opening statements, high school teachers at least are impressed by that (and i quite wish i could still utilize that technique in college)

In regards to that statement, however, i would have written it thus;

"William Shakespeare's tragedy, Hamlet, is focused on the titular character's conflict with the ghost of his father. The way Hamlet relates to his mother, Ophelia, and Uncle Claudius is the basis for this conflict."

Edited @ request of OP.

I don't know what colleges you went to, but the essays I wrote for Classical classes LOVE fluff and grandiose stuff.

Well, I'm in an engineering college... And the essays I've written have been for aerospace or history classes. They don't life fluff.

Those are objective things. How can an essay be about objecive things? Even essays that focus on objective facts are about interpretting those objective facts resulting in subjective opinions. History can fall under that, but aerospace? That seems to me more like research.

Thanks for the help. Right now, I'm reading this literature book my father gave me that shows you how to write a good essay. At this point, I need to worry about writing a thesis statement. Once I have a thesis statement, I could work my way up there.

I should have been more clear. My essays for aerospace aren't research, as I'm only a freshman. They're basically just the typical "What did you think about this speaker from the industry? How do you feel about your major of choice?" and stuff like that.

My english 101 professor in my first semester impressed upon me that College professors don't put up with bullshit (his words, not mine). It does vary, of course, but i've found that rule to stand with most other professors i've taken