| curl-6 said: Autism and ADHD is such a tricky combo cos the autism craves routine, organization and predictability but the ADHD demands novelty and spontaneity and is incapable of staying organized. Your brain's constantly going in opposite directions and it's like there's two monkeys up there fighting over the controls. I got a referral to a psychiatrist the other day, so hopefully I'll be able to get medication soon to level me out. Friends of mine with ADHD have said medication was life-changing for them. |
People always told me I likely had ADHD as well, I dismissed it since I'm highly organized. Then I learned this a week ago:
- Masking and Coping: People with ADHD may adopt, high-functioning ADHD strategies, such as creating intense routines or hyper-organizing to counteract fear of failure.
- Anxiety-Driven Control: A fear of losing control or forgetting things can drive a need for extreme order, making the organization a "protective barrier" rather than a natural state.
- Hyperfocus on Systems: An individual might hyperfocus on creating the "perfect" filing system, which is a common, yet often time-consuming, high-functioning ADHD trait.
- Externalizing the Brain: Because internal organization is tough, they may rely heavily on external tools (planners, lists, apps) to function, according to Dr. Hallowell's insights on space organization. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6]
People have been 'commenting' on my way I do grocery shopping for years. I fill the cart like I'm playing Tetris, everything organized by department, stacked meticulously, every part of the cart has its purpose. Then the same while packing groceries in bags, by destination in the house, downstairs fridge/freezer, by kitchen cabinet / drawer, upstairs fridge/freezer.
Intense routines, check. I created the "perfect" filing system for my VHS tapes back in the day, wrote my own index/catalog program for it on MSX in Basic. Later the same for my DVDs and Laserdiscs, all covers photographed, cropped/color corrected and stored in sort-able HTML files. I have all my pictures and screenshots organized on my laptop in directory hierarchies. Got over a 100 tabs open on Firefox, organized in groups. I rely on the fridge calendar, program in transactions far ahead. Keep all the passwords and login information for everyone in the house, keep all the official documents neatly organized in the safe, and so on. I get anxious when a movie or game is out of place in my collections. When I need to go somewhere I print out a route in advance and look at street images for every turn to memorize landmarks to look out for. (I don't rely on GPS anymore since I'm not in control of the maps anymore after I stopped working, part of my job was checking/fixing the street maps for which I made tools the map company hadn't even thought of)
So it seems in my case the Autist side of craving routine, organization and predictability are the main driving factors. Yet the pull for novelty and spontaneity are always there, always feeling like I'm getting pulled in two directions at the same time. I always dismissed it as being indecisive, which I really am not when it comes to most things. The hardest part over the years has been and still is trying to enjoy what I'm doing now, instead of always feeling I should be doing something else. When I go out running or cycling I have to suppress the thoughts to be back home asap to go back into 'service mode', no matter my wife always tells me take all the time you want/need. And it's what stopped me enjoying movies, I can't focus on enjoying movies anymore as I always feel I should be doing something else, yet can watch/browse all kinds of stuff for hours seemingly stuck to get going.
And when it all comes together, hyper fixation, hyper focus, hyper organizing this is the result:
https://forums.flightsimulator.com/t/exploring-the-world-in-the-beechcraft-bonanza/266981
Meticulously planning routes ahead, checking landmarks, then changing my day/night rhythm to fit around the flying schedules I set out every day for the next day(s). Then working on organizing screenshots and presentation while flying on autopilot, programming the autopilot to head to the next destination. I made the "filing system" after a bunch of flights to find the perfect format for me, then caught up to real time while filling in the first weeks.
When I play Synthriders I always 'work' to keep the song counts even. So when a new pack comes out I 'have to' to play it a lot to catch up to my 'main reel' favorites counts that are now at 25. Catching up the latest packs that are at 15 but playing those over and over before continuing with the whole favorites list. Now and then inserting strategies to even out the main reel from getting 'disorganized' by the songs appearing in daily challenges messing with the count. Currently some are at 24, some at 25, so got this whole plan/schedule to do some main reel songs while repeating the new packs to get things evened out again. It's exhausting lol.
The need for symmetry in stuff I make in Minecraft was so strong I had to build 4 mega projects, exactly spaced out, exactly the same. Everything I have build in Minecraft / CyubeVR is all counted out and planned to the block. My way of playing Death Stranding fits right into it. My strategies were all for organizing transports, using the safe houses as distribution centers and temporary storage while going up and down the routes and branches. When exploring a game map I need that 'fog of war' so I can reveal every little bit in a grid pattern. My wife knows this and went along with it in PoE where I can't move on to the next map without filling in all the 'grey' first, doubling back to get every last pixel uncovered even though there's nothing left.
But yes, that hardest part is always being pulled in different directions in my mind. You should go on holiday, no it will just lead to burnout. Be spontaneous and just go somewhere, no I need to mentally prepare and organize or risk shutdown. And not being able to enjoy movies anymore, too restless. I bought Project Hail Mary in book form. At least I can still enjoy reading, albeit only in the sun. (Sun-Seekers: Many autistic people enjoy sunbathing for the intense warmth, which can be regulating, calming, and a way to manage anxiety. It can provide sensory feedback that helps them feel more grounded) When reading in the sun I'm calm and focused on the book, I cannot read books inside, only when I'm stuck in a waiting room. I do have to be careful not to get burned too much, while I hate the smell of sunscreen. Luckily my quarter Indonesian DNA tans me quickly. Also like being brown much more than being white. Depression always hits in fall/winter when the sun goes away / gets too cold. But can't bring myself to fly to a sun destination in winter. Just the thought increases my heart rate, anxiety.
Let me know what medication does for you. Hope it helps. My fear of change and people overrides my 'needs' to seek support. I still haven't looked for a new chiropractor yet since I lost mine during Covid.
