The analytical mind, some thoughts as I am reconstructing my identity?
I believe the universe is deterministic, yet since I don't know how to calculate what's going to happen next (which isn't even possible while being inside the universe), it doesn't matter. The illusion of free will feels just as real no matter that I can't point at anything in my live that can't simply be explained by input -> calculate -> output.
Is existence even continuous? What happens to my consciousness when I fall asleep. Every night I die and get reborn with memories of a previous life in the morning. (Actually many a night, I wish I could sleep till morning lol)
where am 'I' when I sleep. Am I just memories. No memories being recorded, no 'I'.
Do 'I' exist while I'm unconscious, asleep. I am the voice in my head, constantly analyzing, narrating, repeating, thinking. When I drift off to sleep I notice my thought patterns get more 'unchecked' drifting away from reality into more unlikely scenarios until they stop, or maybe my mind stops recording my inner voice as enter a sleep state. I especially experience it when I drift off to sleep while reading. The story continues in my head until it stops? as I fall asleep. Then when I wake up I have to rewind the story in my head and continue reading from where my mind diverged from the book.
'I' experience a discontinuity during sleep, then my inner voice starts up again when I wake up. Often trying to piece together the last dream I had, or finding an explanation for the noise that woke me up. (Ever been dreaming and then some noise in your dream wakes you up, which comes from outside, yet the whole or part of the dream seems to have been leading up to that noise) So it's more like I'm either piecing together memories of a dream and/or creating memories of a dream in that foggy waking state to explain away the discontinuity. Every memory recall also edits that memory while predictive or explanatory dreams seem to be creating past tense memories, explanations pushed into the past.
Memory is fluid, which means my personality is as well, since memory is personality and identity. Do 'I' manipulate the memories that define me. Am 'I' just a correctional neural feedback loop, adjusting my neural network all the time by going over memories of events and thus slightly altering them, and thus tuning my responses / identity.
Is autism having too much awareness? Too much consciousness creating deadlocks in the neural feedback loop, free will trying to emerge in a deterministic universe sending you into meltdowns when the feedback / analytical loop gets overwhelmed. Too many factors, working memory overflow.
However the process also continues during sleep even though I'm not aware at the time. Night terrors are a form of meltdowns as well. Although memory records the episodes and they feel as real experiences. Perhaps it's the 'I' trying to assert itself during sleep leading to night terrors / meltdowns with too much to work with.
Ofcourse there's also the subconscious, dreams are more likely to stay there. What am 'I' but a voice trying to make sense of my mind, all without having access to all its components.
Anyway better to dwell on these thoughts than ruminate my life over and over.
It's an interesting process, integrating this new realization into my identity. Earlier in the week I felt like I was 12 years old again, barely / not really in control of my emotions. Now I seem to re-enter my late teens, philosophical thoughts dominating. Memories of reading Godel, Escher, Bach at the time coming back.
Or am I distancing myself by taking an analytical view, avoiding the storm of emotions, trying to be 'Vulcan'. It's still there, I can feel it right beneath the surface of this thought train. Laugh / cry trying to come out at the same time.
Time to go on a run through nature, 20K to quieten my mind, reduce stress and anxiety with endorphins and endocannabinoids. Turns out running can have the same effect as smoking a joint lol.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10159215/
I often experience runner's high and if not it always reduces stress and anxiety. It's like suddenly my eyes and ears fully open, the world comes into sharp focus, like I'm getting pulled out of my head into the now. Like I suddenly wake up for real.
Maybe I'm experiencing the euphoria of healing, I feel quite good today, even with the emotional turmoil beneath the surface. But better be smart and take things slow.
