Currently Online 
Hopefully it helps you realizing 'early'.
I've been masking from myself for nearly 50 years and just last week fully realized I'm AuDHD or ASD level 1, my mind always explaining meltdowns, burnouts, OCD and ADHD symptoms away. Lazy, rude, too direct, addiction (but always shifting = hyperfixation), blaming jet lag (I never want to fly again), Covid, parents fighting, bullying for meltdowns and burnouts, mistaking depression for autistic burnout. Not being observant, misunderstanding people, always my fault.
I realized early I had some kind of sensory disorder (or something wrong with me, I didn't know about APD), my parents just called it selective hearing or ignoring people when they talk to me while I'm trying to concentrate. My wife often got mad at me for as she called it "shrugging her off" or getting irritated when interrupted. Giving me the feeling I always had to be on standby, just in case I got talked to. But over the years I realized it's not from being rude, I simply cannot understand multiple streams of conversation, which has gotten to the point I have to close the door to my kids room if he has the TV on to be able to talk to my wife in our room. My wife also understands now and pauses the TV when she wants to talk.
My mind cannot separate or tune in to a conversation as they all blend together. This was always masked by growing up with subtitles (since TV was mostly imported English shows which I flocked to because of the subtitles, much easier to understand than TV in my native tongue) I always watch everything with subtitles, get very irritated when they are not in sync or badly transcoded. You tube I often don't even bother with the sound, just read. Always been a reader, always prefer text, email and hate having to talk on the phone.
I've always dealt with sensory overload, just started noticing more and more how often I close my eyes to give my mind a little break, and sometimes cover my ears as well. I've been isolating since I started working from home in 2002 and gave up work altogether since 2009. I don't go to family gatherings anymore, can't understand anyone anyway and the whole thing gets me mighty irritated. Christmas, birthdays are always huge stressors and my wife (also neurodivergent) and I have simply decided not to do presents anymore. We give each other things when we feel like it, not giving at the right dates to conform with social norms. I never enjoyed my birthday, huge disruption with everyone wanting a reaction? out of me. I haven't celebrated my birthday in over a decade.
And now I recognize what my mother called procrastination with me interpreting it as her telling me I'm lazy is actually autistic inertia. I can make plans, order the parts but somehow can't carry them out. Even though it only takes a few minutes to change a light bulb, it can take over a year before I finally do it or never.
My wife likely recognized all this, she has been protecting me for all these years. Excusing me from family gathering for example. Nudging me to avoid certain stressors. But last week it all come to ahead and she saw it coming. My family visited from overseas and for 8 days wanted to do all kinds of things with me and the kids. Ripping me out of my routines, comfort zones, safe places, no time to rest or mentally prepare in between. (My sister is very bad at planning) and I went into autistic shutdown on Friday when she took us to bowling / laser tag / arcade. Massive sensory overload, people talking everywhere, mental fatigue build up to the point of no return already, I ended up standing by the window looking outside just wanting to run away. Then had to bowl while engaging in a task of finding a place to eat afterwards. My sister noticed but then was the one trying to get me to decide on a restaurant to go to while having to bowl in that awful place. (90% gutter balls, could not function) In the restaurant I didn't feel like eating, passed on drinks (=mental stress, I have autistic eating disorder as well, don't eat during the day, prefer eating alone and mostly the same food) food tasted bad but needed nourishment.
I somehow sort of held it together until they left the next afternoon, then collapsed. Now I'm in the middle of an autistic or functional burnout. On Monday I tried to bring the kids to school, on the way back I had my first violent meltdown in many years and in the middle of town in public. Luckily I only hurt myself and not any innocent bystanders. I haven't brought my kids to school since. I can't be downtown anymore, all the construction has been driving me crazy and my routes are blocked. I tried my regular running route yesterday which cuts through there to be able to cross the river and narrowly avoided lashing out to the foreman as I squeezed through the fences with him yelling at me "Put that back please". I ran away, then ran for another 10 km to quieten my mind again. I had to make a huge mental effort to turn back as my mind was set on just keep running until I couldn't anymore.
As my recovery is running every other day I now have to go a different route as my regular has become a stressor rather than healing. Which just feels all wrong at the moment. I tried that on Monday after my meltdown downtown in the morning and I just felt lost in my mind going a different route.
Yet I'm learning so much about Autism now. I ordered "The Autistic's Guide to Self-Discovery: Flourishing as a Neurodivergent Adult"
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1608689980
as well as "Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World That Wasn’t Designed for You"
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0062876805
which is from a women's perspective but hope to learn more about my wife's neurodivergent needs.
And looking up many resources
https://www.rula.com/blog/autism-overstimulation/
https://www.rula.com/blog/autistic-meltdown-panic-attack/
https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/how-long-autistic-meltdown-last/
https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/autism/autism-in-adults
https://cadenzacenter.com/but-they-dont-seem-autistic-understanding-the-four-autism-subtypes-and-what-they-mean-for-families-and-clinicians/
https://goldencaretherapy.com/autism-and-overthinking-the-neurodivergent-brain/
https://embrace-autism.com/aspie-quiz/
The autistic approach lol
Following r/autism now and watching videos
Yeah my kids show all the signs of autism as well, no wonder with two neurodivergent parents.
Meanwhile I'm re-assessing my whole life and realize now my mother was autistic as well and the regular fights every weekend (her screaming and yelling at my dad every Saturday morning) were her meltdowns. She was hyperfixated on her work, working with difficult kids, refugees, neglecting me and my sister. We mostly had to fend for ourselves growing up, either went to a friend's houses after school or being home alone or with the cleaner. I never fit in in school, changed schools a couple times because bullying became too much, dropped out of university but somehow lucked into a job where my hyperfixation flourished (to the point of being diagnosed with burnout at age 24, but autism was never suspected even though I was talking to a psychologist at the time. Conversation going nowhere as I didn't know what to see, just trying to meet the expectations of the psychologists to the point of making stuff up, masking to the fullest)
Yet that hyperfixation helping the company grow from 7 to 3000+ employees gave me the means to basically withdraw from society in 2009. I lost contact with my friends, just don't have the mental capacity to maintain those relationships. My wife and two kids are often overwhelming already. It doesn't help her neurodivergent needs, surrounding herself with clutter mostly, nesting, have always been a trigger for me needing an empty, sterile environment to be able to think.
It's a wild ride, feeling everything and nothing at the same time while in burnout, randomly bursting out in tears, I have cried more the past few days then I remember in all my life. Sobbing now while typing this.
You might have noticed I stopped posting about the ME, which was my latest hyperfixation, my moral compass triggered. Not that I stopped caring, I just cannot take it anymore, most certainly also heavily contributing to functional burnout.
Don't know what else to say atm, too many tears. I did not expect midlife crisis to be like this but my self image is pretty much shattered. However maybe I can finally come to terms with who I was as a child as I always hated myself, changed (shortened) my name even and can't stand watching pictures of me in my childhood / as a teenager before I got so good at masking I fooled myself to the age of 52. Trying to put the pieces back together while still looking for the pieces. Trying to back my mind away from the abyss, I feel like I'm the deckchairs on the Titanic. Like the rug has been pulled out from under me.
Rest, stimming, stick to familiar patterns to heal. Synthriders works for me to focus my mind on the now, definitely not in the mind capacity to try any new experiences. Can't even bring myself to fire up GT7 to add the new cars from the recent patch. Same songs, same CD in the car on repeat (but better not drive at all, right now my oldest wants me to teach him to drive, just got his G1...) Physical exercise, I'm going to lift weights for a couple hours, outside if possible. Away from the ever annoying drone of central air. Hopefully the sun comes out, that always calms me.
Anyway you're not just lazy! You're different, like 3% of people and that's just the diagnosed ones. And hopefully knowing will help you rather than follow my path of self delusion. There are many of us out there, heck my whole family is on the spectrum as I realize now and none officially diagnosed.
And mind dumps help, as that's what this is. High-functioning autistic, sounds so much better than it is in reality... Trying to give myself a break now.
