Ever struggled with suicide?

[SvennoJ]

I've considered it many times from ages 10 to early twenties. It just stayed with thoughts though, I never made a serious attempt but it might explain my risk taking. If something were to happen, I would have been fine with it. Not anymore.

One thing that kept me from actually going for suicide is the thought it would hurt the people around me especially my parents. I figure I could always off myself after they go, yet I was off those thoughts long before that happened. (Father is still alive and well) What changed my mind is not something I would recommend. Late night clubbing led to xtc which led to opening up, long talks and the realization things were not so bad. Later I found out it is actually a drug that came from therapy. I was lucky to have a good unpolluted source and no after effects. It's been over 20 years now, I think I'm all right :)

Another thing that helped was Everquest's active community. I couldn't really talk about things with the friends I had in real life but somehow talking about life with a stranger was much easier. That game had tons of down time with forced grouping to get anywhere, perfect anonymous chat room.

You're almost there, my mind settled down in my late twenties / early thirties. Hopefully it will get better for you as well. Early twenties were the worst.