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I think much of this is how dramatically society has changed in a hundred years. We use to have fixed defined roles. Woman has the home caretaker and mother, man was the breadwinner and provider. The roles became blurred, flipped, or removed leaving many people ill prepared to adjust. Now, as a woman I am thrilled with this because everything got better for me in general. Have my own life, own money, own job. Compare that to my grandmother who had none of these things.

Despite this radical and rapid change the sphere of courtship has not shifted to accommodate these new norms. Men are still expected to ask women out, I know many women who have never asked a man out. I've been asked out by men hundred times, rarely ever made the first move. Never had a woman ask me out, I always had to initiate. The issue is standards and power dynamics. Before a man could say "I offer stability and security" and that could be enough to look past other traits. Now, women largely already have that so they can ask for physical attractiveness, humor, kindness, similar interests, etc.

As to why men are more violent? It's nature and nurture. Boys are naturally more aggressive, they wrestle while girls talk. Then added to this is in society we mock sensitive men calling them "pansies" or recently "cucks". The main emotion we permit in men is anger. Media directed at men shows power is fulfilled through strength, aggression, and violence. Media for women with conflict tends to revolve around communication and romance.

Solution is hard to say, but I think helping men work through rage while also aiding them in developing other emotions will help give productive voice to their frustration of navigating the post modern world. From what I've read many of these self identified incels deal with a lot of self loathing and lack skills to address that in a non destructive way. The only way they see to regain control is through domination or violence. Obviously we cannot condone such actions, and they should be punished, but ignoring or mocking it isn't helping. Conversations should exist where men feel safe and can come to peaceful and productive conclusions.