I thought I'd do my bracket predictions during downtime at work today, but damn, it is tough to figure out the NFC. So instead, I decided to just rant about how hard it is to make picks for the NFC.
The Falcons seemed like a good choice for a high seed in the NFC, until I remembered that they play in the NFC South and no one is allowed to repeat as NFC South division champs unless the rest of the division collectively gets drunk on Castrol GTX. Besides that, Atlanta's got themselves embroiled in some slightly sticky contract business after their star RB decided he was worth a lot more because he would've won Super Bowl MVP if Atlanta hadn't choked harder than Brazil in the 2014 World Cup. Guessing all the $2 beers at the Falcon's new stadium made him forget his amazing impression of the Florida State offensive line that kickstarted the biggest collapse in Super Bowl history. Speaking of forgetting things, the team motto certainly isn't going to help them get over it, after all. Beyond that, Atlanta basically lost its entire offensive staff, so let's see how the offense that couldn't organize itself well enough to audible out of shit play calls functions with entirely new leadership. Oh yeah, and the defense probably still sucks when Tom Brady isn't doing his best end of Super Bowl XLIV Peyton Manning impression. Fuck's sake what a bad throw.
Oh yeah, and their new stadium looks like Megatron's butthole, in case you somehow managed to forget that.
Meanwhile, Green Bay's secondary somehow got even worse this offseason, with their best corner probably now being the guy that had to hitchhike to OTAs with fans. Looking forward to Aaron Rodgers having to throw for 2,000 yards each game just to give the Packers a chance. Oh yeah, they lost Eddie Lacy as well, although that probably won't affect much besides the team plane's chances of spontaneously falling out of the sky due to its center of mass suddenly transitioning. I'd write more, but there isn't a lot else to say about Green Bay's offseason. They did NOTHING to fix their defense. I guess Ted Thompson just thinks that having to put up 40+ points to win an NFC Championship is the new normal.
The Seahawks are next up on the list of teams that really should have accomplished more with the talent they have by now, and outside of doing their best impersonation of Hard Knocks
, there hasn't been much worth talking about this offseason. Like Green Bay, they have a pressing need (offensive line), but somehow managed to do even worse than the Packers by signing literally one player who the fucking Jaguars called a bust
and then pretending he's the best guard in the league
. Honestly, Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers should start a support group for QBs who spend like 10 minutes per game running for their lives because their offensive lines offer as much protection as a Takata airbag
. They also signed Blair Walsh, presumably as a belated "thank you" for single handily winning a playoff game for them
two years back.
Dallas should presumably be a contender as well, provided that half their offense isn't suspended. Chances are that Ezekiel Elliot will be suspended by midseason point, if not for sexual misconduct
or domestic assault
, then for lifting up Rodger Goodell's shirt and motorboating him after scoring a touchdown. Meanwhile, Dallas is right alongside Green Bay in doing fuck all to fix their porous secondary, so I look forward to Aaron Rodgers shredding them for 350 yards and another last second game winning drive in this year's rematch. Also, the Cowboys get the NFC West, so good luck repeating that 13-3 season while dealing with the toughest division in the league and five times the league average in suspensions
. And even if they somehow do get through that, Dallas will inevitably choke in the division round of the playoffs again.
The Panthers have been a trendy pick to rebound from last season's 16 game Super Bowl hangover, and everyone who thinks so either hasn't been paying good attention to the league this offseason or is still mesmerized by Jerry Richardson's submission for most egotistical statue ever
. Sean McDermott left to become the Bills' head coach, meaning the one good unit from last season has lost its coordinator. Replacing him is Steve Wilks, who is best known for going 5-6 as the head coach of Savannah State College and then immediately resigning. Carolina also lost two of its top three receivers and replaced them with a guy that averages 10 catches per season. Oh, and the one receiver they actually extended is a guy that caught two passes last year
. Forget the offensive line (which is still full of holes); you could have Dallas' O-Line and Cam still wouldn't be able to find anyone to throw to.
The Bucs have gotten some attention and could very well make some noise, provided Jameis Winston doesn't get arrested for stealing more crabs legs or sexually assaulting another woman or fucking joining up with Ganondorf to kidnap Princess Zelda. It's worth noting in the midst of the hype that the Bucs managed to lose last season to the Rams, Saints, and Cardinals (by 33 points). They only wound up in sorta playoff contention because the Seahawks decided to go for "the most penalties in a game" record
and only managed to score 3 offensive points that game. The pass defense is still garbage, and having two games apiece against Matt Ryan and Drew Brees, along with games against Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers, probably means that ol' Jameis will have to be putting up points in bunches if he wants to avoid taking an automatic 4-6 losses. Maybe DeSean Jackson will help out with that and remember to not drop the ball before the end zone.
Who else? Oh, right, the Giants. After getting blown out by the Packers in the playoffs probably kinda sorta because of receivers having some discipline issues, the Giants thought the solution would be to bring in THE receiver with discipline issues
. Marshall is so bad, even the guy that fucking asked for prostitutes before a regular season game
thought he was a terrible influence. Thankfully, Eli's contract with the devil for unlimited postseason fuckery seems to have finally expired, largely because, as Eli found out, you can throw all the quality passes you want but it won't matter if your receivers drop them
instead of making more bullshit helmet catches (yes I'm still bitter). But hey, at least they can beat Dallas.
As for the rest of the potential contenders...
The Lions can't make the playoffs two years in a row, and even if they do, we all know they're not getting past the Wild Card round.
The Redskins are 2-11 in their past 13 games against teams that finished the year with 9 or more wins and get 8 teams who had 9 or more wins last season.
The Cardinals have a 37 year old QB, a 33 year old #1 WR, and lost a TON of important defensive players, including Caias Campbell, Tony Jefferson, and DJ Swearinger. Did they do anything to replace them? Well, surprisingly, yes, and with a half decent player too. Only problem is he's a 33 year old safety. I look forward to the AARP taking over the naming rights
of Cardinals' stadium.
The conclusion? No one will win the NFC. The AFC Champion will just be declared Super Bowl Champ simultaneously.