Not a bad first review. Not "omg amazing", but certainly not bad. My suggestions:
1. Proofread a bit more. You have various grammatical errors that can make the review awkward to read. My suggestion is reading through the review, speaking it out loud to yourself. It's a tried and true trick for writing essays in school, and it helps you to see where your grammar has fallen short.
2. Have somebody else proofread the piece. It is seriously valuable having somebody else read through and proof your piece. Preferably the person who does this is someone you know to have writing ability beyond your own so that they're able to point out areas of improvement, make general fixes, and otherwise.
3. Italicize the game names. It helps the game name to standout, and it's relatively proper to do so.
4. Use screenshots. Screenshots, strategically placed, add length to a review, as well as giving examples of the content you describe. I personally aim for around four or five screenshots in any one review depending on length, as that tends to be enough to make any one area of text look more easily digested.
5. Avoid excessive use of parentheses. Often times in general, people use parentheses when it really isn't necessary. If you're shoving an entire sentence in parentheses, or most of one, then just make it a sentence in the paragraph. Parentheses should be used sparingly only for small amounts of information, which is good to remember for any writing.
6. This one you did okay on, but try to keep paragraphs small. That doesn't mean less content on a subject, but rather, just separating it more. Often times, a big block of a paragraph can easily be split in half at a given point to make two paragraphs, and it ultimately makes the writing more tempting for people, as they perceive smaller, two to four line paragraphs as easier to digest.
7. I didn't do a word count here, but in general, try for around 1000 to 1200 words. That is usually fairly adequate for explaining everything worth explaining in substantial enough detail to leave readers satisfied. More is okay, but less runs the risk of a review seeming short and lacking. Depending on the number of words, four to five screenshots may need to become more. I find that one about every 200 words is adequate.
If you need some reason to take my tips seriously, I've been writing news and reviews for money now for about two months, and have been praised by accomplished writers that I personally see as much better than myself for my writing ability. Overall, even I'm a little bit impressed with my rate of improvement, and my reviews have been consistently well received. It's a lot of fun seeing improvement in your own writing, and I encourage you to keep on writing so that you can feel the same sense of accomplishment in seeing how far you can go.
